Carolyn Hax: Be a roommate, not a mother

Hi, Carolyn: To preface, I’m a fairly neat person, not Monica-Geller-from- “Friends” clean (read: not neurotic), but I clean up after myself in the common areas as well as in my personal space. I do a more thorough clean every two or three weeks where I’ll mop, vacuum, dust, etc.

My roommates, however, are completely unaware of this fact and probably think there’s some cleaning fairy that comes at night to clean (my) pots, pans and dishes that they use and of course don’t clean. In the past, I’ve brought up the fact, very kindly, that we’re all adults with busy schedules and social lives but that everyone should be cleaning up after themselves and keeping the common areas reasonably clean. I’ve tried not to be too preachy or “mom-ish,” but I think at this point that ship has sailed.

They have now suggested that we all chip in for a cleaning service. Personally, I’m of the opinion that having a cleaning service is a privilege and you should know how to take care of things yourself before you start throwing money at a situation. I’ve explained the fact that I already clean the common areas, as well as my own space, on a regular basis and it seems wasteful and frankly lazy to me to pay for something that four able-bodied 20-somethings are perfectly capable of doing on our own.

Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to contribute to the cleaning service fund? – Anonymous “Mom” of the House

I receive a lot of questions. As I suspect is true of anyone in this position – say, a manager receiving a lot of résumés or admissions officer deluged by applications – my mind is set to “no” before I read Word 1, and I’m basically reading until something flips it to “yes.”

Here’s what has the power to flip that switch: “Having a cleaning service is a privilege and you should know how to take care of things yourself before you start throwing money at a situation.”

They “should,” should they? Says who? Momica?

You make two breezy maternal references, but that sentence exposes the truth in the humor. You’re presuming to raise these fellow adults you happen to room with. That’s the function of the word “should”; you think both that there’s a right way, and that you have standing to impose said right way on others.

I was with you on the frustration of roommates who use your stuff but don’t wash it – there’s no excuse for them on that one. But their responsibility is to clean what they use, period; they get to decide how.

Now, if you were merely saying you don’t want to pay your money to contract out a job you’re happy to do yourself, then you’d have both a good point and the standing to make it. But that’s not what you said.

So now I have to say that if they want to pay someone, then they can pay someone. What you regard as a privilege applies to you alone, and beyond that is purely a rhetorical contribution.

It’s also a contribution I urge you not to make, lest you become the Mom and the Monica in one indignant stroke.

In fact, I say throw principle to the wind (I don’t get to type that often) and agree to the service, as long as it’s frequent enough to make a difference, like weekly. Industry isn’t the only virtue worth supporting; investing in domestic harmony sounds well worth the apparently minor if grudging expense.