Carolyn Hax: Place a call to patch things up

Carolyn: My relationship with my brother and his wife has in later years become one where I drove the several hours to their home, visited, etc., even though I work and he is retired. The phone conversations, however, always went both ways.

Two years ago, I wrote a letter spelling out where I thought we were, and he indicated he wanted to work through some of the issues to improve our relationship. His wife offered to set up a weekend for us to mend fences.

For once I thought I’d wait for them to follow up, as she had made the offer, but the follow-up has never happened.

As the months went by and I waited, not only did the weekend never get set up, but they no longer even call (either one) as they used to, and although I realize how much I initiated calls and visits, it’s really disappointing to see that a sibling and his wife have simply decided it’s not worth it to them. Any thoughts? – Sad in Texas

Two thoughts:

First, that letter “spelling out where I thought we were” apparently did not say what you hoped it would, unless you hoped to say, “This is everything I think you’re doing wrong.” The response to such letters often is an overwhelming interest in not following up, ever.

Second, you do know they haven’t called you, but you don’t know the reason. Maybe “it’s not worth it to them,” sure, but maybe too they are waiting for you to return their volley of offering a weekend. Or they have other, difficult things going on, and have reached for the phone several times only to balk at the prospect of another emotional slog. Or they just want to say, “Hey, how goes?” but that feels wrong.

Your disappointment at being ignored for so long is understandable. Everyone’s state of mind notwithstanding though, you’re testing them, and tests are no way to communicate. If you want them back in your life, then I suggest you place a call – a conciliatory one, not one that renews any blame.