Annie’s Mailbox: Longtime friend says hurtful thigns

Dear Annie: My husband and I were close friends with another couple for 35 years. We took trips abroad with them, attended their parties and invited them to all of our special occasions.

About five years ago, the husband left the wife for another woman. He then retired and moved to a town 30 miles away. We still see him on rare occasions. When we do, he makes a point of saying something snarky and belittling to us. He might make fun of what my husband is wearing, criticize our new car or bring up a disagreement he had with me on a trip 17 years ago.

We never know how to convey that his comments are hurtful and offensive. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle his behavior? – A Longtime Friend

Dear Longtime: This friend must feel guilty about his past behavior because he sounds defensive to us. He may think you are sitting in judgment and believes it makes his behavior more acceptable if he can drag you down to his level.

The next time he belittles you, simply ask him politely, ”Why do you need to say nasty things to us?” This will alert him that he’s not pulling anything over on you and it will also be a reminder to him for next time. He may have an explanation, but more likely, he will claim you misunderstood him. A polite inquiry will either force him to recognize that his comments are inappropriate and he will stop, or he will avoid you. Sounds like a win-win to us.

Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@ creators.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.