Real Sport U.S. Could Win More Olympic Gold With Events Like Parallel Parking, Bust-A-Sag Hurdle Relay

Having long thought that too many Olympic sports are the pastimes of other countries fencing and field hockey for example I was glad to see beach volleyball, an American pastime, added this year.

Still, some of the things Americans do best remain neglected. I’ve drawn up a list - and a proposal: If we could get these certified, it will be no contest.

Picture it:

“This is Bob Costas for NBC with a final week wrap-up of Summer Games 2000, and oh what a week it’s been, the newest sports having brought America its sweetest victories.

“Led by nonpareil performer Vinnie Morgan of Manhattan, the Americans had a medal sweep in Parallel Parking. There he is on screen, tears in his eyes, gold around his neck, his victory the story of these games. In a number destined to earn a place in the lore of American sport, he parallel-parked a 184.5-inch Taurus station wagon in a 183.2-inch space, a world record likely to stand a long time.

“Speaking of athletes in their top form, the old U.S.-of-A. scored another gold in Grocery Cart Retrieval. If ever there was an American story, it’s Johnny Johnson. Dropped out of high school. Life went nowhere for five years. The only job he could find was bringing grocery carts in from an A&P lot.

“Except he found more than a job; he found his calling. His store soon rocketed to first-in-chain for cart retention. Other retrievers heard about Johnny, started mimicking his trademark ‘cross-town cart-sprints,’ and a sport was born. Last year, the Olympics certified it. The rest is history.

“Johnson’s final do-or-die heart-stopping cart-sprint broke the tape one-hundredth of a second ahead of Japan’s Yuki Yakahama, a performance as explosively memorable as Franz Klammer’s 1976 breakneck charge in the downhill skiing finals. Four years ago in Atlanta, no one had heard of either Johnson or his sport. Today, both are the nation’s pride.

“In other highlights, the granddaddy of this year’s athletes, 54-year-old Morris Grabowski of suburban Shakerville Heights outside Cleveland, pulled out another heart-stopper in Pool Skimming. Using a standard 12-foot competition pole and catch-net, Grabowski skimmed 938 of the regulation 1,000 imitation insects before the 90-second bell, beating the two leaders of the favored Argentine team, both exactly half his age.

“‘Technique,’ explained Grabowski during NBC’s exclusive post-event interview, ‘can beat speed.’ “And no fancy victory restaurant dinner for Morris. Instead, he’s throwing a barbecue for Skim-Team USA on the lawn behind the Olympic Village. ‘A gold medal,’ Grabowski said, ‘doesn’t change who I am.’ “Moving from the grand-daddy of this year’s athletes to the kids brings us to the only disappointment for America during Games 2000. They were called the Dream Team so often, presumed a shoo-in by so many, that the pressure grew too intense, as perhaps one could expect in the case of three 14-year-old boys. The toughest part: I don’t think any other athletes trained harder.

“Tougher still, theirs was the glamour event of the games: the Bust-A-Sag Hurdle Relay, a 200-meter dash over the high hurdles wearing that famous uniform given the world by U.S. teenagers: ultrabaggy pants belted a full 10 inches below the navel.

“In this year’s biggest controversy, Korea’s Sag team was not disqualified despite post-race measurements clearly showing the bands of their boxer shorts were only 11.5 inches above pants belt level, a full half-inch short of the required minimum. That ruling left Korea with a three-medal sweep, shutting out the Americans. It so happened that the judge who cast the deciding vote in favor was - you guessed it - South Korean.

“A sad ending for what many now call ‘The Little Sport That Could,’ a reference to the fierce fight by the Olympic Committee’s traditionalists against certifying the Sag Relay. But as the world knows by now, they changed their minds two years ago when challenged to try the sport themselves. Not a single committee member made it to the starting line, let alone the race itself, without falling down.

“Some now say that running this race wearing pants that low is as great a test of raw athletic skill as any white-knuckle routine on the uneven parallel bars.

“Rest assured, though, that the Sag kids have yet to write the final chapter of their Olympic story. No question they’ll be back at the 2004 games.

“At which time Team USA is hoping for certification of one more born-in-America sport: The Air-Traveler Triathlon, a three-event battle involving a 1.3-mile run down a makeshift concourse with 11 carry-on bags in tow, followed by a race against time to stow the bags within regulation compartments, ending with the Seat-Leap, a challenge of microseconds wherein triathletes leap to a standing position the instant the seat-belt light goes off upon arrival. A true test of reflexes. And more proof of how American ingenuity is adding richness to the world of sport.

“For all of us at NBC, this is Bob Costas saying, See you next games.”