Sonics Win Not In Equation

Since I’ve been coarsely scolded via voice mail - and what fabulous progress that is from being scolded in person - for allegedly dissing the Seattle SuperSonics and their newest bauble, perhaps these precious minutes before the red-and-black firing squad musters should be devoted to clarification.

Not that it figures to calm the fellow who suggested I “go back to the Rogaine clinic.” But he’ll just have to suck it up for a bit before I cut that deal. No pain, pal, no Rogaine.

The NBA Finals open here tonight, barely 100 days before next season’s training camps begin. The Sonics landed safely on Tuesday, tiptoed without temptation through the minefield of retail displays pushing Dennis Rodman’s junior-high porno and worked up a minor sweat at the United Center.

Afterward, they vowed to kick some Bull. Sort of.

“It might be a good series,” yawned Gary Payton, “and it might not be.’

Wow. Hope “Inside Stuff” had the tape rolling when he said that.

The locals seem appropriately amped - favorite T-shirt so far: “Four-gasm” - but since the ‘90s have already bestowed three NBA championships upon Chicago, there’s also a strong undercurrent of been there/done that. This must account for the flags flying from Michigan Avenue lightpoles touting not the Finals but National Headache Awareness Week.

Oh, Lady Di is here, too. Any bet Fleet Street has her bunking at Rodman’s?

So much for atmosphere. There seems to be a question whether Sonics fans have any reason aside from self-abuse to gather ‘round the Motorola, and it probably didn’t help the other day when I picked the Bulls - in three. Hometown propriety demanded I ignore the pesky detail that the Sonics were jitter-bugging to the guillotine - but, hey, Miss Manners has her gig and I have mine.

Folks, it was a joke - but less than that, a strategy.

The Sonics need all the help they can get, and the biggest help you can give is to make them the biggest underdog since Dukakis.

We have all seen what happens when the Sonics are the favorites in any basketball endeavor. Where were you when Dikembe Mutombo reshaped Shawn Kemp’s brow? Do you remember how far Nick Van Exel climbed inside Gary Payton’s head?

That’s just the ancient history. This spring we have seen them nearly trip over their own psyches against the comical Sacrificial Kings and quit like curs against the Utah Jazz before staging a resurrection of courage and cunning in Game 7 last Sunday (and I hope you got some of that Utah money, because it was out there to be had).

And in between, when everybody refused to count out the defending champion Houston Rockets? All Seattle did was count them out in four.

So, to review: underdog good, favorite bad.

The Sonics only stand a chance because they don’t stand a chance - and, no, I didn’t plagiarize that out of Phil Jackson’s book. There’s rebuttal for any other rationale. We’ll show you.

Chicago’s layoff waiting for the Jazz to take a knee will supposedly render the Bulls rusty. Just as the Sonics were rusty in Game 1 against Utah, right?

Teams that shoot the 3 well can remind the Bulls that it’s National Headache Awareness Week. But the Sonics have made just 24 of their last 91 treys - 26 percent.

The Bulls’ primary worry is matching up with Kemp, who was sensational in Game 7 against Utah. Kemp, however, is preoccupied with “playing physical, playing like men the way New York did - we don’t mind throwing some ‘bows for position.” So expect Shawn to pick up his third foul right after the ramparts red glare.

OK, now you try it.

An amateur mathematician would point out that with an aggregate record of 83-11 thus far, the Bulls have to play nine games just to lose one - but the Finals are just best-of-seven. In fact, some amateur mathematicians already have.

“My kids tell me, ‘You can’t beat the Bulls,”’ groused Sonics guard Hersey Hawkins. “I tell them, ‘I can send you to your room.”’

Step back and you’ll see it: The only issue for Seattle is winning one game, not four. And preferably, as soon as possible.

“Right now, we’re underdogs - it doesn’t matter if we win by 20 or lose by 30,” said Sonics coach George Karl.

“But I know this: that the further you get in a series, the more even it gets.”

Then again, 0-0 is probably as even as it’s going to get.

And remember - I can be reached via voice mail at 1-800- BULLS-N-5. Or pick your own number.

You can contact John Blanchette by voice mail at 459-5577, extension 5509.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Color Photo

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review