Mother Is Coming Between Two Of Us
“My mother and I have never had a good relationship,” begins 31-year-old Tina, a pediatric nurse and mother of two. “But last April, when she suffered a stroke, I took her into our home the minute Grant said it was OK.” Unfortunately, Tina soon discovered that her mother’s presence was wreaking havoc.
“Mom is a demanding, complaining, difficult patient,” Tina explains. “She won’t follow the doctor’s orders. She raves and rants to my children and, at times, worries incessantly that we are all in mortal danger.” Grant and Tina rarely have a chance to have a simple conversation, never mind make love. And the high cost of an aide to help with her mother’s daily care has hurt their budget.
Tina is torn between wanting to be a good daughter and a good wife. “I don’t begrudge making a home for my mother,” says Tina. But she needs to know how Grant truly feels about it - and he won’t say. When she brings it up, she says, her husband ignores her or leaves.
She’s even afraid he might be having an affair with his business partner, Edie. “I phoned there late the other evening and, though Edie pretended that she didn’t know where Grant was, I knew instinctively that he was right there beside her,” Tina sobs. Though she doesn’t want to endanger her eight-year marriage, she doesn’t know how to keep her duty toward her mother from interfering with her love for her husband.
Grant, 39, who runs a small fabric finishing company, doesn’t want to argue with Tina, but he finds it impossible to have a sensible conversation with her about her mother. “Sooner or later - and I hope it’s sooner - Tina has to make a painful decision. I think we both know that her mother can’t stay with us much longer,” Grant states. He’s reluctant, he adds, to engage in a conversation with Tina because he fears that she may blame him later if he tells her how he really feels. “She’s a nurse and she has many contacts in the medical field. What if I give her lousy advice?” he asks.
Though he claims he loves Tina, Grant sheepishly admits he has been spending time with Edie. “But it’s not what you think it is,” he says. “I just need to talk to someone who is calm and fun and sane.” For the kids’ sake, for his sake and for her own sake, Tina must decide. “I wish I could help, but it’s her responsibility.”
Making tough decisions together
Although Tina and Grant both know intellectually they must decide this matter, they are trapped in an emotional bind that prevents them from thinking clearly and working as a team, says Los Angeles marriage counselor Dean Smith. Until they deal with it, they will not resolve other difficulties in their marriage.
Tina is part of the sandwich generation, trying to juggle her caring for her own family and her aging mother. With the counselor’s guidance, Tina and Grant wrote and signed a contract that promised they would jointly find a nursing home for Tina’s mother in 30 days. This gave them the impetus to move forward. If you and your spouse are facing such a family crisis, consider making a similar agreement. Then use this checklist to assess nursing home choices.
When you visit a home, ask yourselves:
1. Are rooms, bathrooms, public areas, kitchens and nurses’ stations clean?
2. Does the home provide handrails in hallways and other critical places? Is all equipment and furniture in good condition?
3. Are phones and large-print notices placed so wheelchair-bound residents can make use of them?
4. Are walking areas wide and clear?
5. Does the staff interact with residents in a warm, friendly manner?
6. Are residents engaged in activities or just sitting in a lounge, hallway or slumped in front of a TV? What activities are available?
7. Is there an outdoor area where they can walk or sit? Is it clean, and is equipment in good shape?
8. Is the food healthful, appetizing and tasty?
9. Will your family doctor be able to care for a resident there? If you don’t have a family doctor, who is the doctor in charge?
10. What is the fee schedule? What services are not included, and what will these things cost?
11. When was the last state inspection done? Can you see a copy of the report? Did it meet all health code requirements?
12. Can names of references be furnished?