Cheap Seats

The real trading deadline

Adam Foote of the Avalanche asked for a “Tickle Me Elmo” doll for his niece while he was on a TV show before Christmas. He got one, in exchange for a jersey.

Next year’s hot doll: Cross-check Me Elmo.

Career moves

It is late in the game, and Chaparral High School coach Terry Kearney maps out a play that he says worked last season against Winslow High.

Kearney’s assistant suggests a play that once worked against the Chicago Bulls in the NBA Finals.

“The kids kind of looked at me, then looked at him and went with him,” Kearney said.

The play works. Chaparral wins. Just the latest chapter in the life of Paul Westphal, the most famous unpaid assistant high school basketball coach in America.

Nearly a year after being ousted as head coach of the Phoenix Suns, Westphal waits for another NBA job while he handles the offense for Chaparral - where his son, Michael, is a junior guard.

“This is not what I would have chosen,” Westphal said. “On the other hand, I’m having a great year. But I don’t want to be an unpaid assistant high-school coach forever. I’ve got to get back to my career.”

And leave this unpaid high school job to someone who deserves it. M.L. Carr, for instance.

When 12-1 and 33-1 add up to a million-to-one

Never mind changing horses in midstream. Jockey Andrew Payne changed horses in the middle of a race.

The 17-year-old apprentice was aboard Hon Kwok Star - a 12-1 shot in the Christmas Handicap in Melbourne, Australia - when the gates opened. But he finished on Cogitate, which went off at 33-1.

Jockey Jason Patton, Payne’s brother-in-law, was thrown from Cogitate when the two horses slammed together on the final turn. As Patton crashed to the turf, Hon Kwok Star tossed Payne sideways toward the now vacant saddle of Cogitate.

It’s the first time a jockey has finished out of the money but still been the daily double.

It’s just before ‘clueless’ in the dictionary

Knicks coach Jeff Van Gundy called the Pistons organization “classless” after a recent game. It seems Pistons functionaries left the scoring line of Allan Houston - two points - on the scoreboard after all others had been deleted. Houston opted to defect from the Pistons to the Knicks as a free agent in the off-season.

That’s the problem with duck - too fatty

Jeff Van Gundy (see previous item) might want to steel himself for the trip to KeyArena in Seattle. During a recent game against the Clippers, the videoboard feature “Celebrity Look-Alikes” paired center Kevin Duckworth next to the overweight character Eddie Murphy portrayed in “The Nutty Professor.”

Not that Duckworth’s friends are much more understanding. His former teammates on the Bullets were shocked to see his inflated state. And Rod Strickland, who was with him in Portland, inquired about Duck’s extensive pet collection.

“I asked him if he was eating all his animals,” Strickland said.

The last word …

“Those guys are so good at spin, they could convince Greg Norman he won the Masters.”

- Rep. John Kasich, R-Ohio, on his Democratic colleagues

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo