Cheap Seats

What Kareem is to the sky hook…

A big man to sit at the end of an NBA bench is only a phone call away, but he has to be ready as Peter Vecsey of the New York Post noted in writing: “In hopes of returning to the league, Jack Haley is taking an extra 5,000 high-fives a day.”

When Irish eyes are connivin’

All right, Father, put your hands in the air and step away from the Shillelagh. That’s it, Father. E-e-e-easy.

The Gaelic war club - symbolic of victory in the USC-Notre Dame football rivalry - was supposed to spend the next nine months in the Trojans’ care, thanks to John Robinson engineering a rather fortunate upset of the Irish this past November.

But Notre Dame won’t hand it over.

This is a new concept in perennial trophies. We win, we get it. You win, we get it.

Seeing that hoarding expensive artifacts didn’t seem to be an entirely Catholic thing to do, the Los Angeles Daily News put in a call to Jim Gillis, president emeritus of the Notre Dame Alumni Club of Los Angeles, who had an explanation for the Shillelagh shenanigans.

The old Shillelagh, he said, is full of shamrocks and Trojan heads. There isn’t room for one more, and there are nine shamrocks still waiting to be adhered to the next Shillelagh, which Gillis is in the process of acquiring. Besides, after a five-year run of Trojans victories ending in 1983, the old artifact had to be repaired at a substantial cost to Notre Dame’s athletic department, which at the time was not funded entirely by a major television network.

“That thing was in terrible shape when we got it back from SC,” Gillis said. “It’s retired (at Notre Dame) and that’s where it should stay.”

During those five years, Gillis received a report that the trophy was seen in the trunk of a car and another that it was on the counter of a bar.

Now, if the New York Rangers can take the Stanley Cup bar-hopping, you’d think USC should be able to trot the Shillelagh out for an Irish coffee or six.

USC administrators are a bit cranky about the Shillelagh snub and intend to contact Notre Dame to demand it relinquish the club.

Be patient, guys. If it’s in Ron Powlus’ hands, it’s bound to be intercepted.

Help wanted

Here’s another reason the New Orleans Saints have sunk in the NFC. Owner Tom Benson, a car dealer, sent a questionnaire to prospective coaching candidates that asked whether they would work weekends.

Here we sit, broken-hearted…

Recently, the Washington Bullets rallied from a 22-point deficit only to fall to the Miami Heat when Tracy Murray missed a 3-pointer at the buzzer.

Afterward, Bullets coach Jim Lynam was asked why he didn’t run the final play for Juwan Howard, who had signed with Miami only to have the NBA void the contract. A reporter suggested it would have been poetic justice to design a play for Howard.

Replied Lynam: “You guys are better poets than me.”

The last word …

“Oksana Baiul, Olympic gold-medal figure skater, was arrested for driving under the influence. According to police reports, her blood alcohol level was .16, .16, .15, .16, .16, .16, .16, .15 and .14 from the East German judge.”

- David Letterman

, DataTimes