Cheap Seats

“Can I borrow $119.57?”

That’s the question sports columnist Tom Powers of the St. Paul Pioneer Press posed to readers. Powers figures if every person in Minnesota pays $119.57, they could collectively build a baseball-only park in Minneapolis and improve the Metrodome for the NFL Vikings.

“For that small fee,” writes Powers, “I can pretty much assure everyone that peace and quiet once again will reign over our humble tundra. No more squawking. No more yapping. No more begging.”

How did Powers arrive at $119.57? “You take the state population figures from the ‘95 estimated census, add Fargo, N.D., subtract the homeless, and then divide that number into $550 million. Voila: $119.57.

“You have to add Fargo, because the folks out there are more interested in the Vikings than most people in the Twin Cities. And you have to subtract the homeless, who usually suffer from cash-flow problems. However, in lieu of cash we will accept metal shopping carts. They can be melted down and re-fashioned into ballpark girders.”

George of the jungle

Jeff George is used to dealing with messy situations. His well-earned reputation as a selfish player aloof from teammates and coaches has set him apart in the NFL.

But George has also had to deal with messy situations at home, as well.

“I’ve only changed two (diapers) so far, and only the wet ones,” he said with a laugh. “Kids know when you can’t do it. My son looks up at me and smiles. He knows.

“One time Mom wasn’t home and there was a big mess,” George said. “So I just left him alone.”

Funny, that’s what most people do with George.

Stanley Cup, potty chair, what’s the dif?

Talk about a high chair.

Jacob Baum, just 13 days old, was placed inside the bowl atop the Stanley Cup, compliments of his dad’s buddy, rookie Mike Knuble of the Detroit Red Wings.

“We get ‘em started early in this family,” Erich Baum said. “When he’s older, I’ll tell him he was sitting in the Cup. That’ll be a good story, won’t it?”

Following tradition, Knuble gets to keep the Cup for a while. The suburban Grand Rapids native didn’t appear in any playoff games but was on the roster during the championship run.

After a private party, Knuble took the Cup on a pub crawl. A limousine carried the NHL trophy, and friends and relatives followed.

“I’m the only person in the world with this thing right now,” Knuble said. “It’s an incredible feeling…. I don’t want to let it go.”

Shaqwatch

“Baywatch” is planning a tall tale.

Shaquille O’Neal will plunge into the Pacific Ocean on a “Baywatch” episode.

“Shaquille O’Neal asked me if he could be on the show,” David Hasselhoff, star and producer of the popular syndicated show, told TV’s entertainment magazine show “Access Hollywood.” The interview is scheduled to be broadcast today.

“And so Shaq is going to come on and make a couple of rescues for us as a gag,” Hasselhoff said of the 7-foot-1 Los Angeles Lakers star.

Let’s hope he can hit the water when he tosses the rescue ring.

The last word …

“I smell it. I smell it in the air. I smell a Super Bowl. I’ve been there before. I know what it smells like.”

Philadelphia running back Rickey Watters

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo