Cheap Seats

Lock, stock and barrel

Milwaukee catcher Bobby Hughes couldn’t deny the evidence after the Brewers completed a 9-0 season sweep of the Florida Marlins:

“I don’t know that we necessarily own them. But, obviously, our record says, ‘Yes, we own them.”’

Misdirection standard in these playbooks

The Pac-10 football media day is typically an occasion for all the teams to announce that they’ve worked hard this summer, have a good attitude and expect a great season.

Fortunately, we have Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times to reveal the truth. Mike Riley, Oregon State coach: “Within the walls of our facility, we have the spirit of learning, growing, developing.”

Translation: We don’t have a snowball’s chance.

Tom Holmoe, California coach: “Last year, we were outmanned in a lot of games against programs a lot more solid than us.”

Translation: This is only my second year here, it was a mess when I took over, I’m doing my best, but geez, I’m no miracle worker, OK?

Tyrone Willingham, Stanford coach: “We’re looking at this season with a little bit of uncertainty.”

Translation: Everything was going fine this summer until that little twit Chad Hutchinson decided to take baseball’s money and run. That was great, just great. It’s going to be a lot of fun trying to win without a quarterback. A real blast.

Mike Bellotti, Oregon coach: “We still have a two-quarterback situation, it’s a great situation in that we have two guys who have proven they can play.”

Translation: We’re still in big trouble at quarterback. What, you think I would keep playing two guys if I had one who could do it all by himself? Like, because I have Akili Smith and Jason Maas, I’m better off than somebody who has just one quarterback named, I don’t know, Cade McNown? Gimme a break!

Paul Hackett, USC coach: “I’ve been received very well … because I’m undefeated.”

Translation: I know what this town is like. Look at my buddy John Robinson, hanging Christmas lights one day, strung up the next.

Jim Lambright, Washington coach: “We have the fastest player ever at the University of Washington, either in track or football, Ja’Warren Hooker.”

Translation: We have this great receiver. Only thing we need to do is teach him how to catch.

Dick Tomey, Arizona coach: “I can’t wait to get started.”

Translation: Our first game is in Hawaii, fool.

And, finally, Mike Price, Washington State coach: “We’re anxious to get started.”

Translation: We play winless-in-17-games Illinois, Boise State and Idaho. We should be 3-0 before going in the toilet.

Heaven can wait

The sudden emergence of the Philadelphia Phillies as a wild-card contender doesn’t make general manager Ed Wade giddy.

“Last year at this time, we were somewhere south of Purgatory,” Wade said of a team that finished 68-94. “We’re better than that now. But I’m not sure we’re looking at any pearly gates yet.”

The last word …

“In only one sporting event can you hear this ominous announcement: ‘Here come the mountains.”’ - Philadelphia Inquirer’s Bill Lyon on the Tour de France