Special Privileges Void In Daily Routine

Dear Miss Manners: My girlfriend and I were in a small restaurant just after the opera let out. We know this because one of the two women in front of us in line saw two men enter and called them to cut in line with them. She then told us they were opera singers and one was a very important producer.

Not an apology, just an “explanation.” My girlfriend made a joke of it which was ignored. She then let four more in, one by one, without apology, as the line behind us grew. We ended up waiting an additional fifteen minutes before making our two-minute take-out purchase.

My girlfriend and I are actors and would (hopefully) never exhibit this kind of self importance.

I wanted to tell this woman that the gracious thing to do would be to have said, “Why don’t you go in front of us so we can be with our friends?” I don’t know if that would have been proper, though. Do you give someone a chance to learn? (And how?)

Gentle Reader: As Miss Manners recalls, dear Thomas Jefferson demurred from disturbing the seating arrangement at his boarding house table when he returned for lunch after being inaugurated as vice president of the United States because he did not feel that his job should entitle him to any special privilege.

But it is amazing how many other Americans feel that their jobs give them the privilege of suspending the democratic ideal of “first come, first served.”

Mind you, Miss Manners does feel that dear Mr. Jefferson went too far here. But if one is to go too far, she prefers that it be in the direction of modesty than of self-importance.

Unfortunately, it is also presumptuous to give unrequested etiquette - or civics - lessons to strangers. But you might have said, “Oh, do, please go ahead. We’re actors.” While they stood there trying to figure out what that meant (it would work equally well for any other line of work), you could add, “so perhaps we should just slip ahead and let you take your time.”

Dear Miss Manners: My new neighbor asked me over for coffee and after 10 or fifteen minutes of get-acquainted talk, she said, “You’re dismissed.”

The same thing happened the next time also, and it was just the beginning of many controlling words and acts. I have finally ended the relationship to be free of the stress, mentioning the “dismissals” as an example of her need to control me.

She was astounded that I would have taken offense, saying it was acceptable, normal language that would not have bothered anyone but me. Please tell me if I am too sensitive. Is being verbally dismissed - meaning “Go home now” - acceptable?

Gentle Reader: Societies exist in which the hosts announce when it is time for the guests to go home, and there are times when Miss Manners wishes this were one of them. Like at about midnight.

But it isn’t. Here that is considered tantamount to throwing a guest out, which is about as rude as one can get. Rather than saying, in effect, “I release you from your obligation as a guest” it says “I have had enough of you.”

Miss Manners would be more willing to believe that this was a misunderstanding (she so much prefers misunderstandings to deliberate violations) if your neighbor had reacted differently when you attempted to clear things up. Anyone who had meant well would have been overcome with horror at the idea of having insulted a guest - rather than mounting the implausible defense that it is your fault.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate