Be Supportive Of Husband, Girls
Dear Ann Landers: I married a wonderful man last spring, and he has two charming little girls, ages 11 and 6. “Fred’s” ex-wife (I’ll call her “Amanda”) divorced him five years ago. I get along well with Fred’s daughters, and they are always well-behaved in our home. However, we have a problem that no one seems able (or willing) to resolve.
Amanda has custody of the children, and Fred has minimal visitation. He has never been late with his child support checks, and he is a very good father. He never says anything negative about Amanda in front of the girls, yet all they hear from her is how awful their father is. At any given whim, Amanda takes Fred back to court to ask for more support money or to cut back on his visitation privileges.
If Fred arrives at Amanda’s house five minutes early to pick up the girls, she makes him wait on the porch while they sit and watch him out the window until the exact time arrives. She has told the girls to call their father “Fred,” and they must call their new stepfather “Dad.” They are not permitted to telephone Fred between visits, and if he tries to call them, the girls say, “We can’t talk now.” The girls, of course, don’t think their beloved mother is doing anything wrong.
We have all been in counseling. Amanda and Fred took co-parenting classes, and Fred and I are seeing a marriage counselor. The children are in family counseling, and I am seeing a therapist. While all this has helped me and my marriage, it’s been a colossal waste of time for Fred and Amanda. Nothing has changed between them. If anything, it’s gotten worse.
My parents divorced when I was young, and I know the pain these girls are experiencing. Do you have any advice? - Second Wife in Dallas
Dear Dallas: If you and Fred are seeing a marriage counselor and you are seeing a therapist, I don’t believe you need much more input from me or anyone else. I would urge you, however, to continue to be supportive of Fred and kind to the girls. When they are older, they will understand a lot more.
It seems that your major problem is unbridled hostility toward Amanda. Get rid of it. It sounds as if her refusal to cooperate is rooted in her anger at you for being happy with Fred. I hope Fred owns some oil wells. With all those therapy bills, he’s going to need the dough.
Dear Ann Landers: I imagine you’ll get a lot of heat from some clergy and others for your realistic solution to the problem of safe sex. However, as a clergywoman, I want to say “hooray!”
I do not think there is any sin in masturbation. The sin is in abusing our God-given bodies by exposing them to disease. The sin is exploiting God’s children with our needs for sexual gratification. The sin is bringing more children into this world than the Earth can support or than human families can love and nurture to adulthood.
Our bodies were created to give us pleasure in our sexuality, and we were also given a brain and a heart to help us make decisions about how to experience that pleasure responsibly. Masturbation and other alternatives to intercourse can be that responsible solution. Thanks for daring to say so. - The Rev. Christine Robinson, Unitarian Universalist minister, Albuquerque, N.M.
Dear Rev. Robinson: I have always had the utmost respect for the Unitarian Church, and your letter is yet another example of the good, common sense it espouses. Thanks for an excellent letter and the courage to sign your name to it.