Hello, Mission Control
So this is what happens when you give a guy total control, as the Seattle Seahawks have given Mike Holmgren.
Mike Ditka doesn’t have total control in New Orleans and there’s the kid he’s bet the farm on dolled up in a wedding dress on the cover of a national magazine. Hmm.
When Dennis Rodman tossed the bouquet, we had no idea that Ricky Williams caught it.
Dennis Green doesn’t have total control in Minnesota and there’s his first-round draft choice, Dimitrius Underwood, bolting Mankato between lunch and afternoon practice. Underwood had showed up for camp wearing Army fatigues, saying he was prepared to go to war. Apparently he was only prepared to go AWOL. Hmm. If he was really dressing for war, we’d suggest a wedding dress.
Bobby Ross doesn’t have total control in Detroit and there’s his franchise, Barry Sanders, saying no mas, rumor has it because he thinks Ross is an incompetent. Hmm. Barry did play for Wayne Fontes for eight years, so he should be an expert.
Mike Shanahan doesn’t have total control in Denver and there’s his talkaholic, Shannon Sharpe, grousing about playing a preseason game Down Under. Hmm. Just wait until Shannon realizes “Bubby Brister” isn’t Australian for “John Elway.”
Jon Gruden doesn’t have total control in Oakland of course, when Al Davis is your boss, you don’t have any control. But there’s his new running back, Rashaan Salaam, blaming marijuana dependency for his chronic fumbling. Hmm. And you’d think smoking all that pot would have made him more likely to eat the football.
In Greeley and Napa and Saginaw and all the other training outposts of the National Football League, it’s summertime and the stories are easy.
The Cowboys are without Deion and Leon, Mr. Style and Mr. Substance Abuse. The Bears have handed the keys to Cade McNown even before he has his learner’s permit. The Dolphins and coach Jimmy Johnson took a field trip to district court for the first day of Tony Martin’s trial on charges he laundered drug money.
And in Cheney?
Well, the players can’t wear tank tops to lunch.
Man, total control is a drag. Until the first Super Bowl, anyway.
There is nothing like a good sideshow, unless of course it’s good football. And in one way or another, we have been begging for that ever since Chuck Knox gave ground in Seattle - which seems like a million years ago.
That Holmgren will deliver on this desperate wish seems to be a foregone conclusion - to everyone except perhaps Grandmaster Slash himself, who in trying to squeeze performance out of a franchise that led the NFL in squandered promise is walking that old fine line between being a disciplinarian and being merely Draconian.
“I know I’m portrayed sometimes, that this is Stalag 17 or something,” he said. “It’s really not that bad.”
No, it’s not. How big a deal is it to keep your chin strap buckled?
“This camp is a lot tighter, and that’s good,” said receiver Mike Pritchard. “Nothing is going to be allowed to slide by.”
The implication being that things did slide by before, and led to opportunities sliding by on Sunday afternoons.
At Holmgrenville, the dramas are mini, not many. First-round draft pick Lamar King and star receiver Joey Galloway are the obligatory holdouts. That’s unfortunate, yes, but no one is in much of a lather yet because we have never seen King play a down and we’re used to Galloway disappearing on occasion (see Oakland and Denver games last year).
“To my way of thinking,” said Holmgren, with a hint of impatience, of negotiations on Galloway’s contract rewrite, “it should be done. We’re at the point now where the contract is very fair - and he deserves it and we’re willing to do it.”
The volume and invective were decidedly more harsh during Tuesday morning’s workout when the offense developed a case of the Salaams and the tempo lagged.
“I try not to do that too much,” Holmgren said, after an unnecessary apology, “but I cannot tolerate certain things. I have to let them know what the boundaries are.”
More than that, he has to establish the connection between what the Seahawks are doing now and what they’ll be doing in November and December - and, if the teaching goes right, deep into January.
“Everything slows down after a mistake,” he said. “But it has to be like a game, and if a mistake takes place in a game, then the next play after that, you’ve got to crank it up even more.”
It’s a stretch to suggest that Holmgren’s total-control package gives him any more of a hammer over his players than he would normally have. Borderline players will still be the victims or survivors of borderline calls, and they don’t figure to look cross-eyed at the coach in any case.
And since several of the non-borderline types were pleading for an established winner with a no-nonsense approach, well, they’ll keep their chin straps buckled without complaint.
“There’s only one way to do this,” Holmgren said, taking another stab at explaining his brief blowup. “Players have to understand that it’s not personal. But I will demand certain things.”
Results, presumably. Does total control extend that far?