Attrition Puts Cougars On Endangered List
Will the last football player out of Pullman please turn off the scoreboard?
It appears as if the Washington State Cougars are having a problem with retention.
It’s not that they can’t grasp the complexities of coach Mike Price’s playbook, however. It’s that some of them can’t grasp any book.
And then, of course, there are the guys who were doing too much grasping - of other people’s household electronics.
Let’s count ‘em up, shall we?
Kevin Brown and the Whites, Jason and Ramin, fought the law and the law won. Forrest Lawson, a promising recruit, signed a contract with the New York Mets, who pay in advance and require no SAT. Garviea Freeny and John Williams never made it to Pullman out of junior college. Kason Love and Faafetai Tupai never made it out of high school. Jerry Roquemore and, now, Chris Martin never made it out of summer school.
You should be out of fingers right about now.
And this is not even figuring in the medical scratches - linebacker James Price, who will redshirt this season, and the half-dozen halt and lame listed as doubtful for this Saturday’s opener against Utah. At one fall scrimmage, 16 Cougars were missing in action due to injury.
Expect Butch the mascot to turn up with a pulled hamstring. Everyone else has.
Usually, the war of roster attrition is waged over four or five years, but these Cougars have really cranked it up. All these personnel losses have occurred since June 12; at this rate, Price will be lucky to have 60 scholarship bodies in uniform for the season-ending luau at Hawaii.
If they go to the bowl game they cheerily anticipate, they might have to forfeit.
And the farmer in Wazzu’s TV ads who keeps getting out of his combine to kick the tires every time Bob Robertson passes on some bad news? He’ll never make it through harvest.
If this has doused any enthusiasm for the upcoming season, however, we certainly haven’t noticed. Not with all these questions coming to us by phone and fax, e-mail and snail mail, URL and ESP - not to be confused with ESPN.
Q: Why did the Vegas books install the Utes as 2-1/2-point favorites, only to backtrack and make them 1-point underdogs?
A: The first odds came out before the Cougars had been ranked in the Top 10.
Q: Top 10? Weren’t they picked to finish last in the Pac-10?
A: Surely you heard that Wazzu was ranked among the nation’s Top 10 party schools by The Princeton Review.
Q: Is that a reputable publication?
A: Well, you know what Mike Price says about the media: “You guys are never right.”
Q: But how would that party-school business impact the point spread against Utah?
A: You think the Utes can withstand the temptations of a Friday night in Pullman?
Q: I’ve heard the Cougars defense is supposed to be particularly nasty this year. My buddy tells me nothing’s getting through these guys. Have they come up with a good nickname, like the old Palouse Posse of 1994?
A: If nothing’s getting through, I’d suggest they call themselves Highway 195.
Q: You mentioned the TV ad campaign. Can we expect any clever new commercials?
A: You bet. The next one shows a family of WSU fans in their sport utility tank, stuck waiting in the traffic snarl of the Steptoe detour on game day as the announcer says, “Cougar football - you’ve been waiting all year.”
Q: Are the Cougars really going to have new uniforms this year?
A: The new fall line from Pullman features a different style numeral, a cursive “Cougars” across the chest instead of “Washington State” and a small embroidered helmet at the V of the jersey neck.
Q: Doesn’t sound like much of a change. Weren’t they going for some Denver Broncos-type uniforms?
A: Would it really matter unless there were some Denver Broncos-type players inside them?
Q: Speaking of uniforms, I hear fans can buy Bob Robertson and Glenn Johnson shirts this year. True?
A: You are correct, sir. A Spokane outfit, Vyper Sportswear, has signature clothing deifying these two distinctive voices of the Cougs. Bob’s shirt says, “Always be a good sport be a good sport all ways,” while Glenn’s features his now-banned trademark, “And that’s another Cougar first down.”
Q: What about Paul Sorensen shirts?
A: His say, “Will scream over the top of Bob’s touchdown call for food.”
Q: Ouch! That’s pretty cold. Won’t a lot of Cougars fans miss Paul’s analysis now that he’s been dumped from WSU radio broadcasts?
A: If you give him your phone number, I’m sure he’ll be happy to call you personally. In fact, he may just dial numbers at random.
Q: What about his replacement? He was a Huskies assistant coach last year. Can he be trusted to dish it straight?
A: Well, Scott Pelluer did play linebacker for the Cougs a mere 20 years ago. Of course, upon his hiring at Washington he was quoted as saying he wasn’t “fortunate enough to be recruited by the Huskies as a player,” so there is a certain penance that must be done. But security is probably too tight around Rick Neuheisel’s house to allow Scott to get anywhere close to the front porch with a paper sack full of Dawggie-doo and a Zippo lighter.
Q: Now that Paul Mencke has moved to receiver, how long will it take Price to put in a pass off the flanker reverse into his playbook?
A: What, and risk stirring up the coals of another quarterback controversy if Paul manages to complete it?
Q: I bet my buddy the Cougs would win seven games this year. Is that safe?
A: As safe as a balcony railing on keg night. Party on, Cougs.