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Teach ‘em how to whine

Boston Celtics coach Rick Pitino, after his Celtics drew nine technical fouls in an eight-game stretch: “Our players have the diplomacy of Stalin. They have no idea how to get calls. They’re just stupid with officials. It’s like the Cold War with them. They don’t understand it.”

Maverick owner

Peter Vecsey in the New York Post: “And you wonder what Mark Cuban, the (Dallas) Mavericks’ owner-in-waiting, sees in Dennis Rodman? Evidently he needs a leader for this freak show.

“Once Rodman joins Don Nelson’s circus, Cuban’s next act will be to recruit John Rocker as director of community relations. What could be bigger than the Worm and the Germ?”

Cornhusker tough

Phil Mushnick in the New York Post on Tom Osborne’s run for the U.S. Senate: “We’re told he’ll run a get-tough-on-crime campaign, provided the criminal’s eligibility has expired.”

Bet he misses

Steve Davis of the Dallas Morning News writes that one of the zaniest Super Bowl bets involved the Los Angeles Lakers’ Shaquille O’Neal: Would St. Louis Rams receiver Isaac Bruce have more receptions than Shaq had missed free throws Sunday?

The winning bet was on Bruce. He had six receptions, and Shaq missed “only” five free throws.

Potty talk in our future?

Michael Ventre of MSNBC: “I don’t like this current trend by TV sideline reporters of interviewing head coaches at the end of halves and after halftime, and sometimes chatting with players during games.

“Pretty soon they’ll be catching guys coming out of the john and asking, `Did anything surprise you in there?”’

Who needs the reporter?

Ron Rapoport writing on Hall of Fame inductee Howie Long: “He’s the only NFL player I know who used to conduct his own interviews. I remember trying to get a word in edgewise once, only to have him glare at me and say, `Don’t try to lead me.’

“No problem, his questions were better than mine already.”

He’s taking too much credit

Kevin Costner, who played pro golfer Roy McAvoy in the 1996 movie “Tin Cup,” told reporters at the AT&T National Pro-Am at Pebble Beach that he might have given people the wrong impression.

“I represent a lot of golfers,” said Costner, who is listed as a 16 handicap. “I shoot 7s and 8s all the time. I think making `Tin Cup’ put enormous pressure on me.

“People thought I could play, when really it was a cutup movie.”

Right. And we thought Sylvester Stallone could box.

The last word …

“Fifty years they’ve waged war, and Wednesday night, the Red Wings beat the Maple Leafs to break a 268-268-92 tie.”

- Sportswriter Bud Geracie in the San Jose Mercury News.