Simple Suggestions Can Make Dining Experience Better

Everybody’s a critic — especially when it comes to eating in restaurants.

Those of us who get to write down our opinions about restaurants have the advantage of getting to be picky in print. But here’s a secret: Most reviewers are way, way more picky than our reviews usually let on.

So here are some easy, inexpensive suggestions about things restaurateurs should avoid at all costs — so that their restaurant’s first impressions aren’t worst impressions.

Sometimes restaurants post a menu in a little window outside the front door. Isn’t this helpful? I wish everybody did it. But, if that menu is tattered and fly-specked, hanging by one tack or displayed in a window smudged with what resemble noseprints from beagles, who will be tempted to walk in?

What about littered parking lots, especially if some of the parking is around that stinky Dumpster out back? Restaurateurs own (or lease) this property and pay dearly for it. Send someone out there to pick up litter halfway through a busy night.

Dingy and tacky interiors depress me. A fresh coat of paint on the walls easily remedies dinginess, as does replacing burned-out light bulbs, straightening the art and keeping the floor clean and vacuumed.

Tackiness is a little more difficult to remedy. If you must have fake plants, get good-quality ones and keep them dusted. No dust-encrusted gumball machines, please. And need we say those sticky tabletops, stained tablecloths, rickety chairs, wobbly tables and so forth are unacceptable?

Yes, we do need to say it, because nearly every restaurant I have ever entered seems to be plagued with one or more of these things.

Now that we’re seated, the pet peeves really start coming thick and fast. Here are some of ours:

* Butter that’s been stored uncovered (or loosely wrapped) for two or three days next to, say, a leftover pot of lamb stew. Butter picks up flavors faster than a kid picks up measles. I’ve experienced this in restaurants I’d consider among the very best — and it’s so easy to prevent.

* The noise question: I understand that many restaurants these days are designed to have a bright, busy, clattery sound to suggest how energized they are. Surely there must be a compromise for those of us who like to converse (without yelling) with one another at dinnertime. Could we have a “quiet” section, in addition to the “smoking” section?

* “How’s that food tasting tonight?” Sound familiar? I am not sure why this is such an irritating question. I don’t mind a server asking me if he can bring me anything else or if there is anything further she might help me with. But, “how is that food tasting?” seems so intrusive. I always want to say, “Hey, that’s between me and my taste buds, buddy.”

* Getting other people’s calcified leftovers on our silverware or plates. Keep those water and soap spots off, too.

* Food-stained, dog-eared or tattered menus. Why worry about what’s coming out of the kitchen when the menus took away your customers’ appetites right off the bat? Also, menus that list every last ingredient in the dish, or describe an item that bears no resemblance to what finally comes out of the kitchen.

* Dried out, brown-tipped lemon and lime wedges with iced tea, fish or anything else. Few things are more appetizing than a bright, fresh slice of citrus, and few things more unappetizing than a crusty one. The same goes for flower garnishes. A brown-edged, bedraggled rose atop a salad is not special.

* Garnishes that don’t complement the dish. Why put a slice of orange on a plate of Italian spaghetti or huevos rancheros? The colors usually don’t look good together and the flavors clash, too.

* A soft drink served from a can that’s not been refrigerated. The ice in the glass is nice, but a warm Coke will melt it in a minute. Especially in hot weather, which is when you really need that drink to be cold.

* Food and service that slack off toward the end of the serving period. If I go out to lunch at 1:30 p.m., I pay the same and expect the same quality as the people who came in at noon. Warm up that soup, put on a fresh pot of coffee, whatever it takes.

* Servers who take a wine order from a woman at the table, then show the bottle and pour the test taste for the man. And we are now in the year 2000. It’s a very dated practice to set the bill down in front of the alpha male at the table. He may not be the one paying. Put it in a neutral spot in the center, unless you have been notified that the man is, in fact, paying.

* Also, this is not Europe. In the States, we generally want to see our check in a reasonable time frame after dessert has been served. In a very European restaurant, the service might adhere to the tradition of only bringing the check when it is specifically requested. Even then, they might keep an eye on customers who might love the restaurant but not have a clue about the Continental tradition.

* We don’t need anyone to call us or send flowers the day after we’ve dined in their restaurant, but it is nice to be treated in a respectful, friendly way as we walk out — just as we were, ideally, when we walked in. Even if the last person to see you out the door is a serving assistant (once known as busboy), he or she should be instructed to smile and say, “It was nice to have you. Please come back.”