Apologies May Fall On Deaf Ears
Dear Miss Manners: Are apologies no longer considered an adequate response when one has made an honest mistake? I have had several experiences in which I erred, then apologized, yet my apology was flagrantly not accepted.
When I was walking my dog, Max, I evidently didn’t clip his leash on well, and it slipped off. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem (he’s very well-mannered, as dogs go), but there was a woman walking her dog at the bottom of the street.
Max, ignoring my calls, bounded down and began doing what dogs do (sniffing, etc.), impeding their progress. I ran down there, quickly leashed him up again, and of course apologized. I was quite surprised when she not only did not accept my apology but snapped back, “You know, we have leash laws!”
I replied, “Yes, I’m aware, and again, I’m sorry that his leash fell off. It was purely accidental, and I apologize for the inconvenience.”
She simply snorted at me, then tossed over her shoulder, “I ought to report you!”
A few weeks ago, I drove to a friend’s condo for what was supposed to be a very quick visit. As it was the middle of the day, I assumed most residents were at work, and I parked in the closest carport stall (not hers), since I would be carrying a heavy box of things for our church auction.
Unfortunately, it took me about 30 minutes, and when I left, I found a car parked directly behind mine, blocking it. I rang the doorbell of the condo to which that stall was assigned and apologized profusely to the woman for taking her spot, explaining that I’d only meant to be a moment.
She just stared at me and angrily slammed the door! I had to ring again to ask her to move her car so that I may leave. Finally she did, after keeping me waiting for 20 minutes.
The final straw came this past week. I arrived five minutes late to pick up my 8-year-old son from soccer practice and saw him at his field looking around for me. In my haste, I cut across a corner of another field, not realizing that there was a team of little boys playing a practice game there.
Their coach came barreling over, screaming at me to get off the field! I jumped, startled, and commenced apologizing, “Gosh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see the little guys,” as I walked away.
But he just kept screaming at me! “Can’t you see we’re playing a game? What’s the matter with you, lady? Get off the field!”
Well! I’d had it. I lost my temper and started screaming back at him: “What’s the matter with you? I said I’m sorry! Are apologies no longer good enough? What do you want, blood?!”
Miss Manners, I realize my loss of temper was inappropriate. But I just don’t get it! What am I doing wrong (besides my myriad little mistakes)?
I do strive for utter perfection so as to never inconvenience others, but sadly I just don’t think I will ever achieve it. Nor do I expect it in others. I have been inconvenienced countless times by strangers, and on the (all too rare) occasions when someone actually has the courtesy to apologize, I wouldn’t dream of not accepting it.
Can you help me to either learn how to apologize better, or at least understand this latest trend?
Gentle reader: What happened to those people is what happened to you: Having been cumulatively treated rudely, they snapped and turned rude themselves. It is a habit easily transmitted and easily misdirected. Miss Manners would advise you to stop right now before you, too, snap rudely at someone who is only trying to be polite.