Miller Does Obscurity Better Than Stats

Through the magic of television, in the most anatomized sports broadcasting experiment in a generation, with the help of market research, message boards, focus groups, newspaper columnists and nagging naysayers, ABC’s “Monday Night Football” has done a remarkable and regrettable thing:

They’ve turned Dennis Miller into Merlin Olsen.

He sits there every week, largely rattling off football bromides and statistical debris. Who’s his broadcasting coach, Bill James? Miller talks more numbers than Alan Greenspan. Plus, Miller loves every football coach and corporate sponsor he meets - he sucks up more than the McGaughey septutlets to a nippled bottle.

Somehow, because of all the fanfare and fear associated with his sometimes provocative, sometimes profane viewpoints, Miller is mostly tongue-tied and caught up in turnover differential. I mean, they brought the clown into the booth, so let him blow up some balloons, for goodness sakes.

Now, for those of you who disdain a comedian in the football booth, consider this: We might’ve been that close to getting Pauly Shore, Jimmy Kimmel, Arsenio Hall, Tim Allen or Carrot Top. We are lucky (I hope) to have Dennis Miller.

As for Miller’s now-infamous obscure references, this is overblown. He is simply a Faustian voice in a Cenozoic wilderness, with a touch of Henrik Pontoppidan.

I’m still not sure which Dennis Miller we’re going to get. If it’s the Miller who produced one of the finest HBO comedy specials ever, “Black and White,” we’ll be blessed. If it’s the Miller who produces the weekly HBO disingenu-fest, “Dennis Miller Live,” we’ll soon be pining for Fred “The Hammer” Williamson.

As for the rest of the broadcast, on the positive end, Al Michaels is Al Michaels and Dan Fouts is not Boomer Esiason.

Otherwise, problems abound. Talk about a tin ear: Producer Don Ohlmeyer once dumped Norm MacDonald but didn’t dump Hank Williams Jr.? It shouldn’t take 30 minutes to introduce starting lineups. Can they give us a worse angle on kickoff returns? I’m tired of ingame interviews, particularly over live action. The halftime stats resemble a Rorschach test. And sideline reporter Eric Dickerson makes Beasley Reece look like Wolf Blitzer.

But most of all, when I tune in on Monday nights, I’d rather hear Dennis Miller talking X and Y chromosomes than Xs and Os.

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Buccaneers at Redskins (-1): Dennis Miller called Redskins honcho Daniel M. Snyder “a breath of fresh air.” Yeah, if you’ve been living in a basement apartment under a toxic dump. … I have a hunch Buccaneers WR Keyshawn Johnson trash-talks in his sleep. Pick: Buccaneers.

Dolphins (-7) at Bengals: When The Man lectures in off-season, I emphasize the two keys to winning: Don’t get shut out and don’t hire Bruce Coslet… . In Coslet’s final Bengals act, he tried late coach’s challenge to get reversal of Ravens score. Pick: Dolphins.

Giants at Titans (-5): After Steelers game, Titans QB Steve McNair sawed coach Jeff Fisher in half in wooden box, then put him back together in time for team flight… . Giants: Today 3-1, tomorrow 8-8. Pick: Titans.

Chargers at Rams (-17): Rams score 40 points every 3 hours. Chargers score 40 points every three months… . In off-season, Rams quarterback Kurt Warner spends most weekends at Alpha Centauri. Pick: Rams.

Patriots at Broncos (-8): After Olympics ban, three Bulgarian weightlifters shacked up at Bill Romanowski’s pad… . For sour stomach, Romanowski recommends Zantac 75 ranitidine tablets. Pick: Broncos.

Seahawks at Chiefs (-3-1/2): Chiefs coach Gunther Cunningham tapes “Jeopardy!” nightly, then watches as it rewinds so he can hear the questions before the answers. Pick: Chiefs.

Cardinals at 49ers (-4): If he had scored again against Cowboys, 49ers wide receiver Terrell Owens was going to helicopter to Charlie Waters’ home and spike ball in his Jacuzzi. Pick: Cardinals.

Falcons at Eagles (-3): During Monday game film review, Falcons coach Dan Reeves had “NO TURNOVERS” flashed on the screen for one-thirtieth of a second. Pick: Eagles. Ravens (-8) at Browns: As always when Ravens go to Cleveland, owner Art Modell will watch game from unspecified cabana in West Indies. Pick: Browns.

Bears at Packers (-5-1/2): In Week 2, I stated Bears offense was “Cirque du Soleil in cleats.” Check that: We’re talking more “C-SPAN in cleats.” Pick: Bears.

Colts at Bills (-2): In unusual arrangement, Dolphins RB Thurman Thomas still rooms with Bills the night before all games. Pick: Colts.

Vikings at Lions (-1-1/2): Vikings WR Cris Carter signals for first down or pass interference so often, he should wear a striped jersey. Pick: Lions.

Cowboys at Panthers (-6-1/2): At a carnival, I’ve got to believe Panthers’ Michael Bates likes bumper cars. Pick: Cowboys.

Steelers at Jaguars (-11): Steelers remain my Team of Destiny. Of course, at 0-3, I’m not sure what that destiny is. Pick: Steelers.

Last week: 11-3. Season record: 32-26.