Instruct your kids not to cover, lie for thieving uncle

Dear Annie: I am one of five adult siblings. The four oldest of us are married, with families and good jobs. The youngest sibling, “Lon,” still lives at home with our elderly parents. We jokingly refer to his basement bedroom as his hidey-hole.

Lon has no job, no job prospects and no desire to get a job. We’ve had plenty of discussions in which Lon has been strongly encouraged to get out of our parents’ home, to no avail. It has recently come to my attention that Lon is using my parents’ credit cards to make online purchases. He does this in the presence of my teenage children, who are then instructed not to tell Grandma. The packages come in the mail, and my brother sneaks them off to his hidey-hole.

I have two problems with this. First, my brother is blatantly stealing from my parents. And second, my children are being asked to lie to me and to their grandma. I have approached Lon and told him that my children will no longer be allowed at their grandparents’ house unless I am with them. I let him know it was his responsibility to explain this to my parents. He has yet to do so.

My children used to visit my parents daily but not anymore. Mom has started to question me about why her grandchildren aren’t coming around. To make matters worse, my father is literally on his deathbed. My mother is taking care of him during his final days with the assistance of hospice nurses. I don’t want to dump this on her.

Any advice on how to handle this sensitive issue? — Concerned in Washington

Dear Concerned: You are inadvertently punishing your parents by keeping the children away, and it will not stop Lon from stealing, nor will it force him to come clean. Let the kids back in the house and instruct them not to cover for their uncle. Then discuss the situation with your siblings so they will back you up. Inform Lon the party’s over, and when Mom is in a better position to cope, you will tell her exactly what’s going on. Let’s hope he takes this opportunity to clean up his act.

Dear Annie: I am an 18-year-old girl who is fed up. My mother remarried when I was 14, and since then she’s been totally absorbed with her husband, refusing to listen or spend time with me or my siblings (who have all moved out).

Last month, Mom told me she and my stepfather were leaving for a two-week vacation, and I had to get out of the house for the duration. She gave me two days’ notice. I am tired of being treated like a foreign exchange student and decided to move to my new college a few weeks early. My question is, should I contact Mom first or let her contact me when she is ready to be a mother? — Texas

Dear Texas: You sound terribly angry and hurt, and apparently with some justification. But you are now a college student and an adult. You are no longer living at home, and chances are you will be spending very little time there from now on. Be the bigger person. Call Mom and tell her how you’re doing. No matter how she behaves in return, you will know you did the right thing.

Dear Annie: This is a response to “K.B.,” who thinks breastfeeding mothers should flaunt themselves in public. I breastfed all four of my children in public when necessary, but I never felt my needs or my child’s needs were more important than anyone else’s. I was discreet. I had no desire to make others uncomfortable, no matter their position on the subject. My breasts were not the center of the universe.

Too many women think motherhood somehow elevates their social status, allowing them to disregard everyone else. I applaud any woman who chooses to breastfeed her baby, but it’s no one else’s business. — S.G., Boston

Dear S.G.: We’re with you on this one. Thanks for the backup.