Don’t judge a cook by size of his barbecue

What with Father’s Day just around the corner, it’s time to address the manly art of grilling, and for me to acknowledge my own lack of studliness when it comes to the actual equipment itself. Don’t get me wrong — grilling is my absolute favorite way to cook, and I’d rather grill steaks in the dark at 20 degrees (in fact, I have) than use a lesser method of preparing them. It’s just that my grill is, well, not very impressive.

The face of my iMac is bigger than my grill. Rodney Dangerfield could make jokes about it: “My grill’s so small that I can only cook one burger at a time.” I have to be pretty secure to grill with a baby Smoky Joe by Weber. The grilling surface is 13 inches in diameter, with the height coming in at 11 1/2 inches above ground. Yep, you’re most comfortable on a campstool.

Just so you know this is a deliberate choice. After all, about five years ago, having served honorably for a decade, my old Weber just plain collapsed on me one evening. Metal fatigue. The little legs hollered and gave out. I propped it up enough to cook one final meal, gave it last rites — and went out the next day to buy another.

Truth to tell, most often I’m only cooking for my wife and me, and don’t need anything bigger. However, I’ve also managed meals for eight with it, so there. Since I’m enough of a snob in other areas (paprika or chili powder, for instance) this helps keep me humble. When I look at the impressive display of metal in stores or at friends’ houses I’m continually reminded that I have a really little grill. However, my smoker helps keep me from feeling too inadequate.

Speaking of which, there’s a difference between “grilling” and “barbecuing,” and I like to distinguish between the two. What most people call barbecuing — live fire cooking over hot coals, whether covered or not, is actually grilling. Barbecue is a slow method of cooking, most often in a smoker of some kind, preparing the food in a moist, low-heat environment for several hours or more. I’ll talk about smoking at another time. Believe me, you’ll be hooked, and it’s nicotine free.

I think most people have some experience grilling so I’m not going to address many specifics here. Everyone’s arrangement, from the height of the cooking grate to the coals, the amount of charcoal used, etc., makes for a ton of variables. Basically, if you can’t hold your hand about six inches over the grill for more than a second or two, that’s a very hot fire and it’s either better to wait a bit or figure you’re going to have to tend it constantly. By keeping one side of the grill either free of coals, or with a smaller amount, you can regulate the temperature of your cooking much better. Hmmm, that’s something I can’t really do very well with my set up. Am I getting grill envy?

In any case, it’s probably blasphemous to mess with another man’s method, so I’m just going to close here with a couple of courses, one for the kids and one for grownups. Start your grills!

Grilled hot dogs

6 Ball Park franks, or your favorite brand

Garlic powder

Seasoning salt

Mild chili powder

My neighbor’s kids have told me that these are the “world’s best hot dogs,” so I guess they must be. Sprinkle doggies with the seasoning, to taste, and cook until professional looking grill marks appear, turning on all sides. Plate up on cheap white bread hot dog buns with yellow mustard and whatever else you like.

Yield: 2 to 6 servings

Nutrition per serving: Unable to calculate due to recipe variables.

I’ve only entered a few cooking contests but it’s something I should try, for fun, more frequently. This was a reject from a very popular “best burger” contest but I still think it’s darn good. I’ll soon have green tomatoes from my earliest Stupice but it’s hard to pick a green one before eating your first ripe tomato. Right now I might just substitute dill pickle; I can’t abide a slice from a store “tomato”. When you have enough green tomatoes to spare do try it this way.

Tomato Burgers with Honey-Chipotle Sauce

For the sauce:

2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil

1 tablespoon fresh garlic, minced

1 teaspoon fresh rosemary, minced

1/4 cup white wine

2 tablespoons honey

1 tablespoon chipotle hot sauce (e.g. Bufalo brand)

For the burgers:

4 to 8 strips Kansas City bacon (depending on size and your taste)

1 1/2 pounds lean ground beef

1 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning

1/3 cup chopped sun-dried tomatoes in oil

1 or 2 green tomatoes (depending on size)

Salt and fresh ground pepper, to taste

4 sourdough hamburger buns

Prepare coals for two-tier cooking, medium-high on one side, low on the other.

For the sauce, in a small saucepan, add the olive oil, heat to medium-high, and sauté garlic and rosemary about 30 seconds. Add remaining ingredients, and reduce to a thick-ketchup consistency, approximately 10-12 minutes on medium-medium low heat. Cool in a cold water bath to thicken, then set aside. While reducing sauce, fry the bacon slices. Pat on paper towels and set aside.

Place the hamburger in a large mixing bowl and add seasoning and sun-dried tomatoes. Mix thoroughly but gently and form into 4 thick burgers. Grill on high side of fire about 5 minutes per side. Just poke and peek to check. If flare-ups occur move to low side until they subside.

While burgers are cooking, slice the green tomatoes about 1/2 -inch thick, and brush with olive oil. Sprinkle them with salt and pepper and grill along with the burgers until soft with some good grill marks, about five minutes, turning a time or two, then set aside. When burgers are done, put them on a plate to rest for a few minutes. Use this time to grill buns and reheat the bacon if you like.

Place burgers on buns. Top generously with sauce, then tomato slices, then bacon strips. Add the top bun and enjoy.

Yield: 4 servings

Nutrition per serving: Unable to calculate.