$11,000 raises deserved: Just ask the Cabal

Welcome to “You & Your Money,” a forum that analyzes the area’s economic issues in a fair and balanced way.

Today we turn our attention to some recent eyebrow-raising fiscal news.

After getting $7,000 raises earlier this year, Spokane County commissioners have been approved for another pay hike. The commissioners are due for an $11,000 increase in March.

The commissioners’ annual salary would then rise to $93,000.

As a result, we at Y&YM are calling on large muscular taxpayers to find those responsible and TAR AND FEATHER THE BLOODSUCKERS!!!

Excuse us. That last statement was not very fair or balanced.

So let’s all pour ourselves a stiff scotch and calm ourselves down.

Ah. That’s better.

Instead of resorting to illegal violence we will conduct a civilized question-and-answer interview with Hieronymus Graft, spokesman for the county’s Citizens Salary Review Cabal.

Y&YM – “Mr. Graft, what exactly is the Citizens Salary Review Cabal?”

GRAFT – “We are members of an ancient secret society of Druids who crawl out of the shadows every now and then to draw pentagrams, conduct blood rituals with live goats and grant pay raises to county officials.”

Y&YM – “It sounds like you people have an awful lot of creepy influence and power.”

GRAFT – “We do. But we categorically deny involvement in the Kennedy assassinations.”

Y&YM – “What criteria do you use to determine a pay raise?”

GRAFT – “All of our pay hikes are based on legitimate and completely defensible comparisons with the salaries of elected officials in other areas of the state.”

Y&YM – “Anything else?”

GRAFT – “Well, sometimes there are special noneconomic contributing factors.”

Y&YM – “Such as?”

GRAFT – “Oh, you know. Say a county official gets a hold of a photograph or two showing some of our brothers cavorting nude at the annual Cabal Christmas orgy.”

Y&YM – “Anything else?”

GRAFT – “Well, we always look favorably on a commissioner who is willing to help a Cabal member’s relative land a nice county job.”

Y&YM – “That sounds an awful lot like nepotism. Isn’t that what Commissioner Phil Harris has been accused of doing with his own sons?”

GRAFT – “Nepotism is just another way of telling a family member I love you.”

Y&YM – “But why give these commissioners yet another pay boost? They already make plenty of money by Spokane County standards.”

GRAFT – “True. But our county commissioners are all Republicans. The way the Iraq war and President Bush’s poll numbers are going, we thought they needed some cheering up.”

Y&YM – “The economy is pretty much in the tank. Announcing a commissioner pay raise during the holiday shopping season seems like an outrageous slap in the public’s face.”

GRAFT – “The public? Since when do those numbskulls count? They’re all too busy watching reruns of ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.’ “

Y&YM – “Even so, what have our county commissioners done to deserve another pay raise?”

GRAFT – “You need to realize that being a Spokane County commissioner is much harder than it looks.”

Y&YM – “How so?”

GRAFT – “For starters, the coffee at the courthouse could be better.”

Y&YM – “That doesn’t seem too terrible.”

GRAFT – “And the commissioners all suffer from a debilitating job-related medical condition.”

Y&YM – “I didn’t know that. What kind of a medical condition?”

GRAFT – “Chapped lips.”

Y&YM – “Chapped lips? What in the world would give the entire commission chapped lips?”

GRAFT – “You try smooching the behinds of developers day in and day out.”