Good evening and welcome to HOT News, the cable channel that brings you all the most important news of the moment.

Tonight’s top story: Arab television network Al-Jazeera reports that it has received a new audiotape from al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden, threatening …

We interrupt our broadcast to bring you this late-breaking news:

According to unconfirmed reports, Sexiest Woman Alive Angelina Jolie is expecting a child with her “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” co-star and Sexiest Newly Adoptive Father Alive Brad Pitt. HOT News will bring you updates as we learn of new developments. We now return to our regularly scheduled newscast.

The United States and the European Union have concluded that further talks with Iranian leaders over the country’s nuclear program are futile and have …

This just in: She’s definitely pregnant! In this exclusive video footage, we confirm that Angelina Jolie’s baby bump is beginning to show. Stay tuned as we continue to monitor this developing story. We now take you back to our regular newscast, already in progress.

Amid growing concern of an avian flu pandemic, U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan warned …

We interrupt our program to bring you this news flash: Jennifer Aniston’s publicist has revealed that Brad Pitt did not contact his ex-wife to inform her of Angelina Jolie’s pregnancy. Aniston, former star of the hit television show “Friends,” learned about her ex-husband’s impending fatherhood with his now-confirmed current girlfriend from our live newscast just a few moments ago. Approached on the set of her new film, a tearful Aniston told our reporter she wished …

This just in! We take you live to the White House where President Bush is about to address the nation.

President Bush: My fellow Americans, this is indeed a great moment for our country. A baby resulting from a Jolie-Pitt union will not only beautify our already beautiful nation, but also reaffirm the family values that have made this nation of ours the greatest in the world. Laura and I were thrilled when we heard the news. Actually, I found out around the same time as Brad because I utilized my special presidential post-9/11 powers and had my “listening ears” on. Heh-heh. On behalf of all Americans, Laura and I would like to offer our heartfelt congratulations to the bodacious Brangelina.

And that wraps up our evening broadcast, folks. We’re all out of time. Thanks for tuning in to HOT News, and goodnight.