Grim reaper has nothing on Spokane’s scariest costumes
Hey, kids! It’s Halloween and you’re all more excited than Madonna shopping for a new tot.
Sorry to be the razor blade in the candy apple. But Uncle Doug’s a little disappointed in today’s trick-or-treating troops.
A press release claims that the most popular Halloween get-ups this year are Spider-Man, Superman, and princess and fairy costumes.
These outfits are less menacing than a Clay Aiken concert.
But don’t worry your unimaginative little noggins. Uncle Doug’s taking a break from online poker to offer a few wardrobe ideas drawn from some terrifying real-life creatures.
“Who’s surlier than Donald Trump at a boardroom beheading?
Who’s been putting the “ass” in assessor?
Ralph Baker – The Blame-Inator – that’s who.
Baker recently suggested that his lowly office workers might be attempting to sabotage his Spokane County assessor re-election bid by intentionally failing to add property to the tax rolls.
Laborers in a slaughterhouse have more fun than the sad souls in the assessor’s office.
A Blame-Inator costume requires two essential components:
1. Paranoia. 2. A giant chip on the shoulder.
“Heard of the undead?
I give you – pause for creepy organ music – the well-fed:
Count Bradula of Councylvania.
(Also known as Spokane Councilman Brad Stark.)
Count Bradula’s sense of humor is as ample as his appetite. He won’t mind if any young lad assumes his plus-sized vampire persona by wearing fake fangs and a cape and stuffing a couple of pork roasts under the shirt.
Just remember, kids. Count Bradula never says “trick or treat.”
He yells, “I vant to suck your jelly doughnutttttsss!”
“Not everyone has the right stuff to go Halloweening as Mr. Avista, the ridiculously overpaid power company exec.
That’s because not everybody can afford the Armani suit, cashmere overcoat, Rolex watch, Gucci loafers and diamond pinky ring needed for the costume.
The good news, however, is that Mr. Avista doesn’t wind up with a lousy bag of candy.
Mr. Avista trick-or-treats for $100 bills.
Don’t worry about being paid. Nobody dares say no to Mr. Avista.
Not unless you want to spend Halloween night shivering in a dark and heatless house.
“This act requires a quartet of friends willing to cover themselves with mold to become …
The Fungal Four.
Unlike the Fantastic Four, which is merely a comic book, these superheroes are based on the true life adventures of Spokane County Commissioner Phil Harris and his three sons who got jobs (quite coincidentally, we’re told) at the county.
Like something growing in a dorm room mini-fridge, the Fungal Four are on a mission. And that is to slowly spread until …
Everyone on the planet can look Phil Harris in the eye and say, “Howdy, Dad!”
“A strange letter arrived Monday giving Spokane Mayor Dennis Hession a nickname.
“Mayor Hessitation.”
If this is a Halloween costume suggestion, it is not a good one.
Mayor Hessitation would never be so bold as to just go out trick-or-treating.
He would first call for residents from outside Spokane to serve on a trick-or-treat fact-finding committee that is charged with coming up with a recommendation on mayoral Halloween involvement.
In the event of a negative response, however, Mayor Hessitation will humbly withdraw his proposal and ask everyone to please forget the whole thing.
“OK, kids. Uncle Doug has saved the scariest costume for last.
If you really want to strike horror in the hearts of adults this Halloween, here’s the way to do it.
Go out trick-or-treating as …
A Taser-toting cop.