Cards Team of Destiny – again

They were 5-11 in 2005, they’ve had seven straight losing seasons and they have missed the playoffs 22 of the last 23 years. And yet, for the third consecutive NFL autumn, I give you the Arizona Cardinals as the Team of Destiny.

The Cardinals do not draw much national sympathy – they’re pretty much Hezbollah in helmets. They have all the sex appeal of a waste management facility. Their owner, Bill Bidwill, couldn’t find a tiger lily if you dropped him into a field of tiger lilies.

But the Cardinals are now my Team of Destiny in perpetuity.

(The Team of Destiny system – the original NFL rags-to-riches prognostication service – enjoyed stunning, early success. The 1996 Carolina Panthers, a second-year expansion franchise that went to the NFC championship game, was a Team of Destiny. The ‘97 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 10-6 after 14 straight losing seasons, was a Team of Destiny. The ‘99 Indianapolis Colts, which went from 3-13 to 13-3, was a Team of Destiny. In the 21st century, though, the Team of Destiny program has been in shocking disarray. Couch Slouch – mired in professional, financial, personal, spiritual and marital woes – became as unreliable as a John Mark Karr deposition.)

Anyway, my Cardinals have a new home. No more Sunday swap meets at half-empty Sun Devil Stadium; the Cardinals now will play in state-of-the-desert Cardinals Stadium, with a retractable roof and an actual crowd. For the first time since the Cardinals moved to Arizona from St. Louis in 1988, they have sold out every home game.

The raconteurs and the retirees will stream into Glendale with a simple mantra: Nobody – nobody – beats the Cardinals in Cardinals Stadium. Nobody.

(Column Intermission: Did you notice that the U.S. basketball team stumbled in the semifinals at the world championships? For goodness sakes, we lost to Greece – they haven’t won anything since Demosthenes was in diapers. How could we collapse with the sainted Coach K? As I recall from his American Express commercials, he doesn’t teach basketball, he teaches life. Well, life is good, but it doesn’t PUT THE BALL IN THE HOOP.)

The Cardinals have the incomparable, sublime Neil Rackers, 40 of 42 on field-goal attempts last year. Heck, he was 6 of 7 from beyond 50 yards. How strong is his leg? He could make a field goal at Lambeau Field if he were standing in Soldier Field. He’s so good, this season I believe Rackers will kick four game-winning field goals, plus discover a new planet.

Then there are the Cardinals’ skill-position players: Edgerrin James, Anquan Boldin, Larry Fitzgerald and Kurt Warner, with Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart on the bench. Which is all well and good, but if the offensive line stinks and the defense stinks, the Team of Destiny will become the Team of Destitution.

(Memo to the O Line: Protect your QB. Warner’s body is a bit brittle; at this point of his career, he could pull a groin putting on his pants. If a blitzing linebacker so much as taps him on the shoulder to ask him the time of day, you have failed in your duty. I don’t even want to see a house fly buzzing within 35 yards of his facemask. Understood?)

Not to mention, I want to be absolutely and abundantly clear with always enigmatic Cardinals Coach Dennis Green – you cross me one more time, I’m shipping you out on the next express to Sam Wycheville. And that’s a one-way ticket, my friend.

The Cardinals start this Super Bowl season at home Sunday against the hapless San Francisco 49ers. Put that baby in the win column, for nobody – nobody – beats the Cardinals in Cardinals Stadium. Nobody.

(Ah, I must tell you, dear readers – there’s no better feeling than coming back from vacation well-rested, knowing the destiny of a team on the rise and having a third wife on the way. It’s all coming together again!)

Ask The Slouch

Q. I see there is a new “sport” calls Fantasy Fishing. Rod size, casting style, bait – there are so many options in the making of my fantasy fisherman. Any ideas on the selection process? (Joyce Nelson; Solon, Ohio)

A. I would suggest to take in a rerun or two of “The Andy Griffith Show” and find an angler who combines the best of Andy, Barney and Opie.

Q. You watch lots of sports on TV, and describe poker games. From what did you need a vacation? (Mark Cohen; Pittsburgh)

A. I have hidden stress in dark places you couldn’t find with a compass, a flashlight and three “CSI: Miami” extras.

Q. Re: The Cowboys’ signing of Terrell Owens. The definition of insanity, according to Einstein, is to keep repeating the same experiment while expecting to get different results. Does this make Bill Parcells insane? (Fred Hosford; Arlington, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Is it true there is an NBA-type league for women? (John Guarnero; Milwaukee)

A. Ring him up too, Shirley.