Now, recall’s as easy as these 10 simple steps

The Spokane City Council voted unanimously Monday night to make it easier to recall city officials caught floundering in the cesspool of “moral turpitude.”

This was prompted by last year’s sordid saga of Spokane Mayor Jim West, who used his office to enhance his dating life. Even that didn’t bother the business community until Jay Leno started cracking jokes about it. After that the mayor was political toast.

Yet despite national outrage, West proved to be harder to recall than a high school geometry theorem.

COLUMN CLARIFICATION! The previous metaphor is based on actual personal experience. My sophomore geometry instructor, annoyed by my smartass lack of focus, made me the following offer: If I remained in his class for another semester he would flunk me. If I never darkened his classroom again he’d give me a C.

Needless to say, I grabbed this deal faster than a carnie can fleece a Spokane County fairgoer.

Although well-intentioned, the City Council is pitifully naïve. Our leaders have come up with orderly steps that include fact-finding by the new ethics commission and recall votes by the council and the public.

The plan is on the November ballot. And such a tidy process would probably work in most cities.

But Spokane is not most cities. We live in the municipal version of “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.” The West scandal proved we need a system to cover most weird-and-wild scenarios of moral turpitude/Spokane style.

And so I give you …

Clark’s revised rules of recall

Rule 1: Once authorities determine that a violation of moral turpitude has occurred, the Spokane official will be granted a few extra minutes to remove his pink tutu and spurs and put on his trousers.

Rule 2: If necessary, the Humane Society will be notified to send someone out to offer grief counseling to the Spokane official’s live-in llama.

Rule 3: After the evidence is gathered, the City Council will convene behind closed doors. Privacy is necessary so impressionable members of the public (small children and elderly with heart conditions) aren’t subjected to appalled exclamations from council members such as:

“He did WHAT!?! Well, I’m never eating mayonnaise again!!!”

Rule 4: A brief recess will be given so that council members can use the restrooms to splash their faces with cold water.

Rule 5: If the moral turpitude involves sex with someone met on a kinky Internet chat room, the offending Spokane official will be given an application to join the Fire Department.

Rule 6: After taking testimony and a thorough analysis of reports, certain rebellious members of the council will be counted on to sneak off and leak the most inflammatory details to the Mark Fuhrman radio talk show.

Rule 7: A public hearing will be convened. This is mainly so Gypsy leader Jimmy Marks can waltz in and hand out Cuban cigars and brag loudly that the whole nasty mess is all due to the curse he laid on Spokane years ago.

Rule 8: When Marks runs out of steam, the floor will be turned over to former City Councilman Steve Eugster. He will then declare the entire proceeding to be unlawful and unconstitutional and threaten to sue everyone in attendance – including the cable TV audience.

Rule 9: The City Council will take a vote on whether moral turpitude has been established. If six members say yes, the offending Spokane official will be offered the John P. Leary Gonzaga University Presidential Pervert Option:

“Get out of town within 24 hours or face a recall vote.”

Rule 10: The media will then be informed that the sicko official has resigned due to ill health and has left Spokane – to start a llama ranch.