Doug Clark : America has a new weapon in the war on Iraq
Today I would like to apologize for how negative we media members have been regarding the Iraq war, and to offer a positive solution.
We journalists keep obsessing on the daily bloodshed, the utter lack of progress and the fact that nobody – least of all President Bush – has a clue how to stop the chaos.
Negativity, alas, is in our nature.
That’s why we all got so caught up in trying to identify the father of the late Anna Nicole Smith’s baby. (It was Don Imus.)
But getting back to Iraq, it’s true that there hasn’t been a lot to cheer about.
The other day, for example, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid – in a patriotic attempt to elect more Democrats – declared the Iraq war to be lost.
Fortunately, Republican presidential candidate John McCain offered an opposing view by singing his Middle East foreign policy:
“Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.”
You go, John! As my Old Man used to say:
“Quitters never win, Doug. And if you sass me again I’ll knock you into the middle of next week.”
My dad was one tough cookie. Thinking about him gave me an idea on how to turn this Iraq mess around.
We need to launch a full-scale invasion into Iraq – by Alec Baldwin.
Operation Baldwin to Baghdad (you have to have a clever catchphrase or the generals won’t buy it) makes perfect sense.
By now, the entire country has heard the vitriolic voice mail message the ranting Baldwin left for his 11-year-old daughter, Ireland. He called her a pig, bashed her mom (actress Kim Basinger) and vowed to fly out and realign Ireland’s attitude.
This is bad parenting even by trashy Hollywood standards.
Seriously. Even Ryan O’Neal was appalled.
Who would have guessed that lefty Alec Baldwin would turn out to be the scariest man in America?
I almost piddled myself listening to his meltdown.
True, deploying the Baldwin bombast is probably a violation of the Geneva Convention. But the way things are going in Iraq, what else can we do?
To make it work we first need to convince Baldwin to re-record his message with a more Iraqi-centric spin. This won’t be a problem. After that phone call, Baldwin isn’t exactly on the A-list for movie roles.
So here we go. I have taken the liberty of slightly revising the juiciest parts of Baldwin’s taped tirade that I found transcribed on a Web site. (My added words are in parentheses.)
“Hey, (you jihad jerkwads) I want to tell you something, OK? … I’m tired of playing this game with you. I’m leaving this message with you to tell you you have insulted (the good ol’ U.S. of A.) for the last time!
“… You don’t have the brains or the decency as a human being. I don’t give a damn that you’re (al-Qaida or suicide bombers) or that (Osama bin Laden) is a thoughtless pain in the ass who doesn’t care about what you do. As far as I’m concerned, you have humiliated (Old Glory) for the last time!
“… I am going to get on a plane and I am going to come out there for the day and I am going to straighten your ass out!
“… Do you understand me? I’m going to really make sure you (chickenhearted terrorists) get it. … So I’m going to let you know just how I feel about what rude little pig(s) you really are. You are rude, thoughtless little pig(s), OK?”
Once recorded, we will bombard the Iraqi airwaves with it night and day for a solid week.
Then, at a secret launch time, we will parachute you-know-who into Baghdad.
There is, of course, a small chance that not even the destructive power of a deranged, egomaniacal actor in a bitter custody battle will be enough to subdue our enemies.
But look at the bright side: Even if this fails, America can take comfort knowing that we have achieved an even greater goal than winning the Iraq war.
We got rid of Alec Baldwin.