Slouch says NBA could use some fixing up

In IKEA the other day – yeah, why wouldn’t I be in IKEA? – 21 of 25 people I asked could not name last season’s NBA champion. More guessed the Mavericks than the Spurs. One guy answered, “Mitt Romney,” which, understandably, scared me right out of the home-furnishings store.

Alas, the NBA needs a makeover. LeBron could use some help, Kobe has to quit whining, Dwyane Wade must get healthy, plus it wouldn’t hurt if the refs called an honest game and the Knicks stopped treating women like extras in a Jay-Z video.

Most of all, the NBA could stand a few rule changes:

No player over 6-foot-8 is allowed to take a charge. Ever. If you’re that tall, either block the shot or foul the man trying. Otherwise, when a 6-foot point guard beats his defender off the dribble and gets to the rim, he shouldn’t have to worry. Any attempt at drawing a charge should result in a foul and mandatory postgame interview with Craig Sager.

No timeouts in the last two minutes. That includes TV timeouts and “20- second timeouts,” which take longer than a 3-minute egg. And everyone gets home in time to see Letterman.

Do away with the pick-and-roll. Want to open the game up? Ban the pick-and-roll, which has become the first gear of every offense. Heck, if these coaches are so great, let ‘em produce points without the pick-and-roll. Side benefit: This eliminates Doug Collins’ 37 references per TNT telecast to the “screen roll.”

Bring back the force-out, the hand check and the three-to-make-two. These changes may have no impact, but back when the NBA had them on the books, America was a better place.

Flagrant foul = power play. Two free throws and retaining possession is not enough. Put the perpetrator in the penalty box and play the game 4-on-5 for two minutes. I know, I know – some teams, like the Knicks, seem to play 4-on-5 for 48 minutes, but that’s a product of bad scouting and Isiah Thomas’ hubris.

(Column intermission: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s Hawaii’s Colt Brennan tying the NCAA career touchdown pass record! Here are Brennan’s past two games: Against New Mexico State, he was 29 of 46 for 425 yards and six touchdowns; against Fresno State, he was 28 of 39 for 396 yards and two touchdowns.)

No in-season trades. As we say in poker, just play the hand you’re dealt.

Dribbling is optional. Like traveling is ever called, anyway? So dispense with the pretense and let these magnificent athletes carry the leather around like LaDainian Tomlinson.

In the third quarter, players can wear only one sneaker. I think you’ll see an entirely different game.

Pregame introductions no longer should resemble the second coming of the messiah. This whole business of lowering the lights, flashing the strobes and bringing the players out through fire and brimstone with a backdrop of chilling music has to stop. When your starting five is, say, Andre Iqoudala, Reggie Evans, Samuel Dalembert, Willie Green and Andre Miller, you should introduce them IN THE DARK.

Lower the basket. Oh, that’s a WNBA thing. Sorry.

Coaches need to sit their butts down on the bench. That’s a great suit Pat Riley has on, but I don’t need to see him standing on the court all night.

Ask The Slouch

Q. How do you defend dog fighting one week and attack mixed martial arts another week? (Phil Roemer; Bedford, Ohio)

A. My dog fighting comments were misconstrued and taken out of context. Still, you know what I like about dog fighting? The pageantry. The bands. The cheerleaders. But that’s amateur dog fighting, where it’s still pure.

Q. I heard Boomer Esiason say that one has to be “smartly aggressive.” Just what the heck was he talking about? (Keith Lutz; Chicago)

A. Norman Esiason, Class of ‘84, has a degree from Maryland in undergraduate studies. I assume he knows what he is talking about.

Q. Do you ever tire of all the hype for the MLS Cup? (Carl Samuels; Newport Beach, Calif.)

A. Hype aside, my MLS Cup party is to die for.

Q. By giving the entire Naval Academy a day off from classes after its historic victory at Notre Dame, did the U.S. fall one day behind in the fight against terrorism? (Scott Wittliff; Mukwonago, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.