Carolyn Hax: Pretend to be outraged, then change the topic

Carolyn: We are parents of high school kids who go to a small, private school in a close-knit community. We all have “good” kids, although most have tested the limits with alcohol and marijuana use, throwing parties without parents, going to university frat parties, etc. Some kids always get away with this, and others get caught, either by the school, police or parents.

The problem is a parent who gossips about everyone and everything. She happens to have kids in the never-get-caught category, and she seems to take particular pleasure in talking about other people’s kids and the latest trouble they have gotten into. We’ve been shrugging off this behavior for years, but a few parents have really been upset by this. We’re not sure if it would do any good to say something to her and wonder if you have any suggestions. – Anonymous

I can think of a few reasons not to get too worked up about this, foremost among them that you’re already years into shrugging it off. Why succumb to viral outrage now?

Maybe even more compelling is the fact that, unless your little life-tasters are out crashing frat parties in the dawning months of ninth grade, you’re looking at another 5 1/2 semesters of this, max. Probably fewer than four. By lifetime standards, that’s not a lot of shrugging, and then you’re rid of this parent for good.

Finally: Why engage someone in battle when utter, uninflected disengagement is still on your list of choices? Pick your favorite version of “Hm, you don’t say” – or, if you have the (moxie), yelling, “THEY DID WHAT?!” with the kind of mock outrage that will travel all the way to the cheap seats – and then change the subject to golf. Gossip needs an audience; you can decline to provide one. You can also share this tactic with the upset parents, next time you’re discussing the gossipy one.

Carolyn: How do you go back on telling someone “I love you”?

I’ve been dating this guy for about 4 1/2 months. He’s great, cares about me, treats me wonderfully. I came into the relationship with emotional baggage – my husband of almost three years died in January from cancer – and I go very easily from wanting a relationship to wanting to be single. It’s not that I want to date anyone else; I just sometimes think it might be better for me to be alone.

I still like him a lot, but I don’t know if I’m in love with him. I don’t know if it’s right to tell him I’m unsure or if I should wait to see what happens. I really do care about him and don’t want to hurt his feelings. – Confused

No need to “go back on” anything; love and grief aren’t mutually exclusive.

Maybe you don’t really love him. Maybe (surely) it’s too soon anyway for “love,” and would be even without your understandably unsteady emotions.

Regardless, the grief is pressing you harder to seek solitude than the affection is pressing you to seek his company. Right? That’s all that matters. Well – that, and the fact that avoiding a necessary breakup for fear of hurting someone always causes more pain in the end, not less. You tried, you care. Tell him the truth. He’ll manage.