These 2008 Lions zero in on perfection

I googled “unmitigated modern-day disasters” the other morning and here were the top five results:

“Waterworld”: It cost $230 million to make, $218.7 million of which was spent to prevent Kevin Costner from drowning.

New Coke: What were they thinking?

Charlie Weis at Notre Dame: Talks a big game. Coaches a small game.

Illinois elected officials: I was schooled in corruption, born and raised in Washington, D.C. If I wanted a real education, my parents should’ve moved the family to Chicago.

Detroit Lions, 2008: More than seven years in the making, Matt Millen’s Mona Lisa.

The Lions are 0-15, verging on historic perfection. For 31 years, the NFL has played a 16-game schedule; for 31 years, no team has managed to go 0-16. You need a combination of a bad front office, bad coaching, bad quarterbacking and really, really, really bad tackling to go 0-16.

It is hard to believe that, just a little more than a year ago, the Lions were 6-2 at midseason; subsequently, they have lost 22 of 23 regular-season games. It is hard to believe that, in 2008, the Lions were the NFL’s only unbeaten team in preseason.

One year after the New England Patriots improbably went 16-0, the Lions implausibly could go 0-16. And 0-16 cannot be soiled like 16-0. The ’07 Patriots were the first team to 16-0, but they couldn’t make it to 19-0, losing Super Bowl 42. If the Lions reach 0-16, there are no more games. It’s 0-16 forever.

The ’08 Lions draw comparisons to the ’76 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the NFL’s only 0-14 team in history. But while the Bucs clearly were worse – they were shut out five times and outscored on average by three touchdowns – they were an expansion franchise, in their first year. These Lions were 7-9 one season ago, with a roster full of high first-round draft choices made by long-entrenched management.

Which reminds me of my favorite, new knock-knock joke:

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“It’s Matt Millen but you shouldn’t open the door because I might charm you into letting me run your team into the ground for the better part of a decade.”

Through the departed Millen’s vision, the ’08 Lions have redefined losing and turned it into a postmodern art form. They are his unfinished masterpiece.

The Lions lose ‘em close (four by seven points or less) and lose ‘em far (eight by 13 points or more). They lose ‘em at home (0-8) and on the road (0-7), outdoors (0-4) and indoors (0-11), on grass (0-4) and on turf (0-11), early in the day (0-13) and late in the day (0-2), and, without fail, every Sunday (plus Thanksgiving). If there were eight days in the week, the Lions would lose on the eighth day.

They close the season against the Packers in Green Bay. If the Lions do the unthinkable and win, they’ll finish 1-15; there’s no glory in 1-15. The 1980 Saints, the ’89 Cowboys, the ’90 Patriots, the ’91 Colts, the ’96 Jets, the 2000 Chargers, the ’01 Panthers and the ’07 Dolphins all finished 1-15 and are all forgotten.

So the nation will hang on every Lions mistake on the NFL’s final Sunday, hoping for history. The Lions just need to do what they do best: Play poorly, turn the ball over and, ultimately, lose.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Just who exactly shelled out $24.99 on pay-per-view for the Evander Holyfield-Nikolai Valuev fight Saturday night? (Kevin Tom; Oak Park, Ill.)

A. Well, Evander has at least 11 children, and then there’s Nikolai’s cousin Konstantin – so that’s 12 buys right there.

Q. If football players get turf toe, do basketball players get hardwood toe? (Butch Linville; Mallory, W.Va.)

A. No, but Stephon Marbury suffers from hardwood head.

Q. Do all the touchdowns thrown by Brett Favre in the Wrangler commercials count in his passer rating? (Mike Tamsen; Suakville, Wis.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Did the Lone Ranger ever get penalized for horse-collaring Silver? (Brian Mruk; Arlington, Va.)

A. Tis the season to give away an extra buck-and-a-quarter.