’Coming Out Day’ happens 365 times a year
Decision to be open is a daily one
In honor of National Coming Out Day, celebrated worldwide (yes, the name is a bit misleading) on Oct. 11, I’d like to give a shout out to all those I know who have marked the day by, well, coming out.
But I can’t. I don’t know anyone who has, on precisely that day, stopped hiding their sexuality and started living openly. Truth be told, I didn’t even know the day existed until maybe three years ago. And most estimates date the first celebration back to 1988.
That being said, I’m sure I have come out on Oct. 11, several times over. I couldn’t tell you to whom or in which years, but I have. Leaving the closet, for most of us in the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community, is a daily decision.
Some days we are perfectly open about our partners or desire to date someone of the same sex. Other days, it just seems more wise to evade questions or answer in generalized terms that don’t give away our sexual orientation.
This process is not isolated to LGBT folks. Our culture is, in many ways, deeply divided and decisions about how much to disclose about our personal lives are constantly in front of us.
Depending on in whose company they stand, people with a strong faith in God may choose to remain quiet. In the United States, those who believe in a higher being other than the Christian god are even more reticent, I suspect.
Politics, especially in an election year, can be a dicey conversation. I grew up hearing my dad declare that religion and politics were two subjects to always avoid when among friends and family. For many, adding sexual orientation to that list is the safest way to keep the peace among those who are supposedly the closest to you.
Even some professions require a sort of coming out. I’ve met attorneys who are reluctant to profess their work until they get a read on how I feel about those who practice law. Often they avoid the word lawyer. Can I blame them?
I’m very careful about my word choice when coming out to new colleagues or neighbors. Gay has always sounded softer to me than lesbian. The L word, in our culture – whether it’s lawyer or lesbian – seems to have more of a stigma attached than their alternatives.
Similarly, I avoid saying I am a writer in most social situations. Obviously, I can’t avoid it all the time, if someone recognizes me. But taking the conversation beyond my work on the column means I have to decide how open I am about the stack of rejection letters from book and magazine publishers.
Mental health professionals will tell you that living openly will lead to greater happiness and better physical health. I can’t help but think this applies to lawyers and spiritual folks, writers and gay people alike.
Being scared to share all the things that make us whole is no kind of way to live.