It’s hard to pick sides in golf course dispute

Incredible-Yet-True Fact No. 1: A New York man who owns a house along famed Winged Foot Golf Club is suing the club because too many golf balls are being hit onto his property.

(This reminds me of the time my Uncle Silvio rented an apartment above a Greek restaurant and complained about the smell of garlic.)

Incredible-Yet-True Fact No. 2: A State Supreme Court judge in Westchester, N.Y., issued a temporary restraining order earlier this month against the club, banning play on the sixth hole of the East Course until further notice.

(Wow. You can actually close a hole on a golf course? If Jean Van de Velde ever gets wind of this, the 18th at Carnoustie is in danger.)

In a related development, Indians who once occupied the countryside where Winged Foot is now located are also suing the club, hoping to reclaim the land to open a casino.

(That I’m making up, but more on that topic later.)

Mamaroneck, N.Y., resident Anthony Pecora, a restaurant owner who bought a house adjacent to Winged Foot in 2003, contends the barrage of errant golf shots to the par-3 sixth hole has caused a “life-threatening condition” for him, his two children and his dog.

(Coincidentally, I have action pending against NBC Sports in regard to a “life-threatening condition” caused by Johnny Miller.)

According to the New York Times, Pecora’s home just off the sixth-hole green has had five broken windows this year from wayward golf balls.

(Idea: Replace the windows with windmills.)

Pecora’s 14-year-old Labrador retriever, Frankie, swallowed a golf ball last year that required emergency surgery costing $3,444.40.

(Geez. If I had swallowed my last prenup, the surgery would’ve saved me money.)

In stepped State Supreme Court Justice Gerald Loehr, who weighed the neighbor’s complaint and closed the sixth hole of one of the world’s most renowned championship courses.

(This would be like shutting down the Raphael wing at the Louvre.)

Winged Foot member Donald Trump has offered to mediate.

(Actually, the club should enlist Trump to buy Pecora’s house – it likely would go into foreclosure, be vacated and solve the problem.)

Incidentally, this is why I wanted to move to Biosphere 2: no golf courses.

(And, incidentally, I am now done with my parenthetical comments. Thank you for staying with me – it’s smooth sailing from here on in!)

Anyhow, I am torn here.

On the one hand, it’s hard to back a rich guy who buys a house on a golf course and then whines about golf balls in his front yard. On the other hand, it’s hard to back a golf club that buys land to allow rich guys to hit golf balls all day while cutting deals that will relieve most not-so-rich guys of their money.

Which brings us to the New World tradition I alluded to earlier: We take the Indians’ land and then honor them by building golf courses in their name on that land.

America’s slogan should be: We Are Capable Of Anything. Because we are.

By the way, have you ever noticed how similar golf courses and cemeteries look? Eventually we are going to run out of land, so is there any way we can combine these two cash cows?

Plus, it could be a big moneymaker – what avid weekend golfer wouldn’t pay a premium for a cemetery plot right off Rae’s Creek at Augusta National? Maybe one day Anthony Pecora will rest in peace beneath the sixth hole.

Ask The Slouch

Q. I would not stay up until 1:30 in the morning to watch a World Series game if Cy Young were pitching to Babe Ruth. You? (Joseph Todd; Rock Hill, S.C.)

A. As a rule for all postseason baseball, I go to sleep, set my alarm for the seventh-inning stretch and then wake up to watch the final couple of innings.

Q. If folks in Green Bay consider Brett Favre to be a modern-day Julius Rosenberg, doesn’t that mean Deanna Favre is Ethel Rosenberg? (Jim Clarke; North Chicago, Ill.)

A. Uh, doesn’t that make Matt Millen a communist spymaster? I just thought he drafted poorly.

Q. Do you anticipate that TV’s transition from analog to digital in 2009 will enhance your looks? (Patrick Allen; Wynantskill, N.Y.)

A. I anticipate that the embalmer will enhance my looks just in time for the open casket.

Q. If I hit a home run over the border fence, will they throw the baseball back? (Dink Hodges; League City, Tex.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.