Dear Carolyn: I am very recently married to a man I have dated for several years and am very happy. One of my bridesmaids, “Courtney,” said she was upset because she always assumed she would be married by 25.
About a month before my wedding, she met a guy who was about to be deployed. They had a whirlwind romance, he deployed, they kept in touch, and now it is six months later and she is telling me he is “the one.”
Now, I believe that when you know, you know, but there are all sorts of red flags that she is ignoring. My husband and I have spent time with him, and it turns out he divorced his wife less than a year after marrying her, and he met “Courtney” before his divorce was even final.
They also do not communicate well, and he doesn’t attempt to get along with her friends.
When I mention my hesitation about him to my friend, she gets offended. She thinks my dislike of him is because I am recently married, and I’m biased against a divorced man.
Do I keep my mouth shut and let her be a big girl and make her own decisions? – He’s Not the One
Such scrambling for self-validation, it’s making me dizzy.
Not just hers – you’re doing it, too.
She’s throwing together a marriage to affirm her worth in her own eyes, and you’re wrapping yourself in your carefully considered marriage to affirm your worth in your own eyes.
That hers is a red-flaggy, rushed, long-distance entanglement with a (clutch pearls) freshly divorced man does suggest they’ll hit trouble, but “suggest” is not “guarantee.” The worst thing you can do for your friend is get smug about the soundness of your choices as compared with hers.
The best thing? Anything that doesn’t come across as foundation work for an I-told-you-so.
Otherwise, unless she asks your opinion, just love her and root for her. There’s more than one path to a good place.
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