Check out Tuffy’s take on the 45th Iditarod

They’re running out of snow, so “The Last Great Race on Earth” might be down to its last race soon. As the 45th Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race treks on, Couch Slouch is pleased that Tuffy the Snow Prince, the outspoken 55-pound Siberian husky on musher Spoons Grabilovitch’s sled team, again has agreed to keep a daily log.

Here are excerpts of Tuffy’s Iditarod journal:

Day 1: They moved the start of the race to Fairbanks. Fond memories – my favorite town to chase fire trucks and snowmobiles….I always double-poop the morning we get underway; must be nerves…. I’ve got to thank my lucky stars for the Iditarod; otherwise, I’d have jury duty this week…. Spare me the organic, artisanal farm-to-bowl chow; I need 10,000 calories a day….

I know he’s hurt now, but it would’ve been fun if we signed Kevin Durant.

Day 2: After 119 miles on the trail, nothing is worse than bunking with a malamute that snores….Like Bud Fox in “Wall Street,” I just want to motorcycle through China one day….Memo to all mushers: We do the grunt work, you just smile for the cameras….If global warming is a myth, then how come half the fans cheering us on are wearing Bermuda shorts?…

Not a single dog here has a comb-over.

Day 3: Mushers can carry iPhones for the first time; yeah, like I want Spoons texting-and-driving around the icy bend near the Yukon River….I wouldn’t mind if POTUS built a wall around Alaska – I hate mainlanders…. Heck, half of us are undocumented immigrants; what, you think the American water spaniel wants to run this race?….My pet peeve about the Affordable Care Act? It doesn’t cover canine frostbite….

My screensaver is a painting of Humans Playing Fetch.

Day 4: Still disappointed that Trump banned the Afghan hounds and armed the border collies at Westminster last month….True fact: There are 20 official languages in Alaska. So why is my musher speaking French?….Bravo to Daniel Day-Lewis’s Shetland sheepdog for the upcoming “My Left Paw” sequel….I am a proud Siberian husky, so don’t blame me for my socialistic tendencies….The Applebee’s in Shaktoolik is to die for….

Colbert kills me, Kimmel bores me.

Day 5: Dallas Seavey has won three straight titles here, so of course rumors are swirling that his dogs are doping….Identity theft is rampant in these parts, which is why I always put my dog tags in a safe box when I sleep….Say what you will about Vladimir Putin, but his huskies have WiFi in their doghouse….It embarrasses me a bit that I still balk at same-sex dog unions….

Yellow flowers, yes; yellow snow, no.

Day 6: My blog post last week – “If We Win This, I’m Not Setting a Paw in the White House” – is still the talk of Golovin….Charles Barkley’s right about the Tour de France; those fellas are not athletes. But we are….They let cats into the Westminster dog show this year. And here? Yeah, right….Dated a Samoyed once – all bark and no bite….

I know some people are scared of dogs; I am scared of some people.

Day 7: Maybe I’m getting crotchety in my old age, but “La La Land” seemed more realistic to me than “A Dog’s Purpose”….I think a Black Russian terrier was trying to influence the outcome of this race…. Uh, we need flea collars up here like eunuchs need condoms….If a husky could pull a sled in the show ring, it’d win Westminster every year….

Dog food + Hot Pockets = MacArthur Genius Grant!

Day 8: Remember when seeing Russia from Alaska was just a line from a hack politician? Not so funny now….How do we deal with transgender bathroom issues? Hell, we poop wherever we want!…When did belly rubs become “canine massage therapy”?…I was seeing an American hairless terrier, but she couldn’t take the winters up here….

I hope they keep Warren Beatty away from the award ceremony.

Day 9: Heard this at the water cooler this morning: “Q. Where do sled dogs go when they’ve lost their tails? A. A retail store.”

Ask The Slouch

Q. Now that Yuengling is legally available in Indiana, does that enhance the Colts’ chances for the playoffs? (Terry Ward; Noblesville, Ind.)

A. You can drink all the fine beer brewed in Pottsville, Pa., you want, but until the Colts find an offensive line and a defense, Yuengling can only ease the pain of losing.

Q. Is it true you are still America’s best sports commentator? (Monty McIntyre; Ravenswood, W.Va.)

A. Is this a rhetorical question?

Q. If a chair lands on the floor, and no one is there to hear it, does Bobby Knight make a sound? (Stephen T. Ziliak; Chicago)

A. Wow. It’s as if this question came out of a 1985 time capsule; still, pay the man his money.

Q. Does the new NCAA cost-of-attendance allocation take into account the significant expense associated with tattoos for the athletes? (Jim Osborn; Fishers, Ind.)

A. And pay this man too, Shirley.

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