Miss Manners: Host’s awkward request leaves guest of honor red-faced

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was asked by a friend if I wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate my 29th birthday. She said, “My treat,” and asked if I was comfortable with a few more mutual friends being invited along.

I had no problems with the invite or the company. We had dinner and were all standing to go and pay when she asked our other friends, “So who’s buying the birthday girl’s dinner?”

I thought she was joking, so I laughed and motioned to her, but she gave every other person in the company a pointed look. I was completely embarrassed. If there was a problem with money or such, I would have happily paid for my own meal, but since the invite had included “my treat,” I was completely thrown by this direct attempt to get other people to contribute to buying my meal. I was also confused, since just two months prior, I had treated her to a meal for her birthday.

Should I have expected this, or am I correct in assuming that this was in bad taste?

GENTLE READER: It was particularly egregious, as it implied that you had something to do with this ungracious plot.

Miss Manners hopes that you do not find yourself in this situation again, but if you do, she authorizes you to raise your own hand when asked for volunteers to pay. This will surely shame the host and other guests, if not into paying, at least into realizing that you were collectively duped.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Please explain the rules of invitations posted on social media for someone who has never belonged and does not intend to join.

There has been a rash of my family members having parties to which I am not personally invited and then berating me for not being there. And this is even though no one spoke to me, there were no invitations sent in the mail and no one called me.

I have had the same phone number for 18 years and the same address for 19 years. I am not hard to get hold of.

My response has been a very mild, “Thank you for the information, and I am sorry I did not know about the event.” What else can I say except to remind people I’m not on any social media, but always answer my phone?

GENTLE READER: Short of resigning yourself to a social life that includes only the people who specifically want to be around you (not necessarily a terrible fate), there is little you can do before the fact to elicit an invitation.

With any luck, however, you soon may see the problem solve itself. Miss Manners has noticed that even steadfast users of social media have seen the limitations of mass communication, particularly when it comes to in-person events. No doubt they are witnessing their invitations yield parties that are too often overwhelmingly large – or as in your case, unexpectedly small.