Miss Manners 7/26

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m a U.S. diplomat who has developed several severe food intolerances in middle age. I’ve consulted with a gastroenterologist, and while these issues don’t affect my health per se, they do severely limit what I can eat.

I developed these intolerances while posted to a European country where they were relatively common, so managing my diet was fairly easy. But now I’m facing an assignment to a country where I’ll be extremely limited in my dietary choices, but my obligations to entertain and be entertained will remain.

Are there any rules or points of etiquette that can help me navigate this situation?

GENTLE READER: Why the stomach must be so involved in politics as well as diplomacy, Miss Manners has never understood. But so it is. Relishing the local cuisine is considered a crucial gauge of likability, if not of honor. Love me, love the peculiar-looking thing I call a delicacy.

But Miss Manners does not want to ruin your career. So she has written you a little speech to give when dining out, or when featuring the local dishes as a host, even though you cannot eat them.

“Do you know the hardest thing about this post?” you will ask (and keep asking, as this situation arises). “The food looks and smells so wonderful – especially the (peculiar thing of the moment) – but I have a painful condition that won’t let me enjoy it. I’ve argued with my doctor, and he sympathizes, but absolutely forbids me even to taste it, no matter how tempted I am.”

And so on. You get the idea; you are a diplomat.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I invited a couple we have known for several years to join us for a simple dinner, just the four of us. The invitation was responded to with, “We’d love to, but can we bring our dog?”

We love dogs, but aside from our finding the reply to be presumptuous, their dog jumps on the furniture and is generally ill-behaved. So I said we would prefer not, and asked them to “please just bring yourselves.”

Before the dinner, my friend texted that they decided to “pass” on our invitation as they would prefer to be home with their dog. I found this to be incredibly rude and don’t know how to respond to this appalling lack of manners. Am I wrong in my feelings?

GENTLE READER: Well, your friends told you that the company of their dog, which they can enjoy every other day and night, is preferable to spending an evening with you. Miss Manners would hardly think you need to know more.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: At a wedding we attended, the bridal couple had the first dance, and then the bride’s parents danced with the couple. Is it correct for the groom to dance with his new mother-in-law first, rather than his own mother?

GENTLE READER: Are you his mother? Then Miss Manners asks you to forgive him; he could hardly spurn his new mother-in-law as she approached him on the dance floor. And she may have automatically walked up with her husband when he headed for their daughter.

Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.