Dear Annie 7/27

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for four years. I have never been married before, and my wife, “Gertrude,” was divorced when we married.

While dating, Gertrude told me about how her ex-husband would verbally abuse her and her child. But now Gertrude is treating me the same way she says she was treated by her ex, making the same types of comments and doing to me almost exactly what she told me he did to her, yelling and screaming for nothing.

I have mentioned to her several times that she is treating me exactly how she described her ex-husband treating her. I am getting extremely frustrated.

I love my wife and want our marriage to last. I have asked her to stop treating me in such a way, but it continues. Gertrude and her ex were married for 10 years, and we met two years after their divorce. I cook, clean, do yard work, work full time and pay the bills – all the things she complained her ex never did. What advice can you give? – Extremely Frustrated

Dear Extremely Frustrated: Seek marriage counseling as soon as you can. If your wife refuses to go, then attend counseling alone. No one deserves to be verbally abused. It can be as damaging to your self-esteem and just overall sense of happiness as being physically abused.

When you tell her that she is treating you the same way her ex treated her, what does she say? If she agrees and says she wants to change, there is hope. If she gets defensive and blames you, then saving this marriage will be much harder. Both partners have to want to change their behavior and have mutual respect for each other. First, you must respect yourself enough to stop this behavior.

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