Dear Annie 3/29

Dear Annie: My husband and I met 20 years ago and had a passionate, whirlwind courtship. Two years after we were married, intimacy gradually declined.

In a nutshell, my husband hid his physical issues from me, which were caused by a surgery that he had undergone as a kid. The effects worsened over the years.

While he was a great step-dad and hardworking man, he tried blaming me for our lack of intimacy, saying that I was being too vanilla. When I challenged him on that, instigating slightly kinky sex, he became depressed and withdrawn. After a really bad patch, which showed he was becoming involved in stupid, dangerous, “macho” events, I got him into therapy.

That helped, up to a point. The counselor told him outright that there were more ways to be sexually active with a loved one than just “the one way.” I emphasized my complaint by stating that this relationship wasn’t what I signed on for and perhaps we needed to divorce. He agreed to try, and I thought we had turned a corner.

Nope. It’s been more than 12 years since we’ve been intimate. While our relationship is like that of brother and sister, for me, the love has died slowly.

This is especially true now that we have moved to another state. We are without friends, and my daughter is grown. I’m angry and sad that I stayed so long, believing his declarations of love, but he never got a physical evaluation or listened to our therapist. One thing I learned from this experience is that I have been an enabler.

Today, I told him I’m dreaming of buying a small camper and living alone. – Missing Intimacy

Dear Missing Intimacy: Your fantasy of driving away in a camper is completely understandable. When our bodies are going through even a small trauma, we either fight (conversations in therapy), flee (the camper) or freeze (12 years of no intimacy).

You are trying to stop this unhealthy situation any way you can, and that makes sense. Before you run away and profess a life of solitude, maybe try therapy again, and tell him exactly what you told me in this letter. Without communication, nothing will change. Hopefully, you can figure out a way to make your marriage work, but if intimacy with him remains impossible, you can separate on amicable terms and not just run away.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.