The Full Suburban: Seven people, one RV, 1,900 miles. What could go wrong?
You may be surprised to learn that my children are avid readers of the newspaper. Oh, yes. They pore over the Nation & World section, reflect on each obituary, and analyze the ins and outs of local politics. Stirring debates happen every night at our dinner table; a more well-informed family you will not find.
Just kidding! My kids hardly read anything in the paper, even though we are loyal subscribers and get it six days a week. You would think, since their mom is a newspaper columnist, that they would at least be interested in reading her sage and amusing words every now and then. I write mostly about them, after all.
But no. They couldn’t be less interested. Even if I leave the newspaper sitting on our kitchen counter, opened up to my column with my face staring up at them from the newsprint, they will still completely ignore it as they paw through each section searching for what they’re really interested in: the comics.
I find this fixation on the funnies mildly hurtful but also pretty amusing. And I figure that six thoughtless Ditto children can’t be wrong, so I usually read a few comics myself to see what all the fuss is about. There are a few that consistently make me smile; Zits, Pickles, Dilbert (until it went off the rails several weeks ago), Off the Mark and Baby Blues all get a daily read by yours truly.
Last week in particular, Baby Blues had an ongoing thread that I related to deeply.
“It’s coming, and there’s no stopping it,” the mom says to the dad as she stares at her phone while he brushes his teeth. She continues: “We’re looking at an entire week of brutal conditions and uncertainty.”
The husband puts down his toothbrush and looks at her, concerned.
“Bad weather?” he asks.
Her eyes are wide with terror as she corrects him: “Spring break.”
Yes, Baby Blues mom and dad, I feel you. Thousands of Spokane families – us included – are heading into the first day of spring break Monday.
If you happen to be reading this newspaper while enjoying a quiet morning before heading out the door, just know that the Dittos are at this moment shoe-horning themselves into an RV, which we (meaning Logan) will then drive all the way down to Moab, Utah, so we can partake in all kinds of outdoor shenanigans before turning around and driving back home.
Why did we decide to do this? I don’t know, except that it sounded like a good idea at the time. Renting an Airbnb on the Oregon Coast is much more our style, but for whatever reason, the RV idea won out this year.
I am, of course, a little nervous about the seven of us driving a giant bus-sized home to the wilds of Southern Utah and then living out of said home for days on end.
“How do you do an RV trip?” I may have Googled a time or two over the past several weeks. I mean, seriously, how? There are a few more questions I have that I will only know the answer to after we come out on the other side of this experience.
For starters, did the three little boys ever stop their quest to hit or annoy each other every five minutes? Did the older teenagers manage to dislodge their headphones from their ears long enough to answer basic yes or no questions or –gasp! – carry on a meaningful conversation? Did I ever get up the nerve to take the wheel of the RV, even though doing so makes me feel like I’m on “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure”? And finally, how many bags of Party Size Peanut M&Ms does it take to get from Spokane to Moab? If the answer is greater than 20, can I get a discount?
I hope the answers to these questions will be engaging enough that, when I write about our trip a few weeks from now, even my kids will bypass the funnies to read all about it.
Nah. Where’s Garfield?
Julia Ditto shares her life with her husband, six children and a random menagerie of farm animals in Spokane Valley. She can be reached at dittojulia@gmail.com.