Dear Annie: Faux pas costs me a friendship

Dear Annie: Recently, I had a major social misstep that has essentially pushed one of my best friends out of my life. During the week of my birthday, I had a mid-30s crisis; a string of bad memories from dating and bad luck with women hit me and put me in a very emotionally weakened state of mind. In front of this friend, I was reduced to what felt like a whimpering fool, complaining about my bad luck with dating and women. Two days later, I was back to my normal self and saw her at my birthday dinner with friends.

During the dinner, she was distant from me, which was fine, and I gave her space with the hopes that she would enjoy herself with our friends. At the end of the night, when people started saying their goodbyes, she just said, “I need a social detox.” I just said OK and kept my cool in front of our friends as we parted ways.

Since that night more than four months ago, we have had very limited contact. The only time we spoke on the phone since then was when I called her to wish her a happy birthday. While appreciative, she still wanted to detox.

I’ve seen her with mutual friends, but we have not really spent time together since my social misstep. She did reach out to me after a sports injury, and we did spend time among our group of friends and had a small conversation together, but it still feels like our relationship is strained. It’s sad, too, because we used to hang out almost every weekend and would tell each other anything going on. Unfortunately, my saddened mind-state during the week of my birthday was very off-putting to her.

I know we still care about and value each other, and I want to get our friendship back on track. However, I feel like this is more of a breakup versus friends taking time apart.

What should I do? Can this 10-plus-year friendship be saved? – Social Missteps

Dear Missteps: A “social misstep” is not enough to end a 10-year friendship. In fact, that is exactly what friends are for: to help each other when we are at our lowest (or, as you say, in our “emotionally weakened state of mind”).

It sounds like there is something more going on here. Could there be other points of tension in your relationship to this woman? Is this a pattern of behavior for you?

I would do some self-reflection and then clearly, concisely tell her exactly what you told me in this letter – that you value your friendship and hope to get it back on track.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.