Miss Manners: And the award for ‘Most Unpleasant Host’ goes to…

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was invited to a dinner party and to watch an awards show on TV. One of the hosts yelled repeatedly about the results, complained about just about everything and dropped a lot of F-bombs. He also fast-forwarded through the award categories that he thought were boring without asking if the guests minded.

After yet another complaint, I tried to make a joke. I said something like, “Well, tell us how you really feel!”

Any suggestions on what else to say or do in a situation like this? Is there anything to be said, maybe to the other spouse?

GENTLE READER: Everybody’s a critic, and critics can be very annoying. Miss Manners happens to know this, because she was a drama and film critic before turning her attention on society at large. What a surprise to find that actors were not overcome with warm gratitude for being told how they could have done better.

But we never have license to critique our hosts, during or after a party. Never. We can only make a note to decline any future television-oriented invitations from them.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m used to fielding save-the-date cards for weddings. In those cases, they are a courtesy, allowing us to plan for travel. However, I have a relative who has adopted the save-the-date tradition for their young children’s birthdays – asking our availability four to six months in advance of the event!

All of our extended family, us included, live within an hour of their home. I can’t help but be resentful of the claim on my time.

How can I best respond to inquiries into my availability so far in advance, when I don’t even think the child will note my presence or absence? Is there an outer limit on expecting others to hold dates for children’s parties?

GENTLE READER: Considering how often people ignore actual invitations, Miss Manners is reluctant to condone any non-responsiveness. Generally, the minute you receive a card from a friend, you should be hunting for a stamp.

But save-the-date cards are merely notifications that an invitation will be forthcoming – as they jolly well must be – as a convenience for guests who want to plan ahead. These cards are binding on the senders, but not the recipients.

It does not require an answer, let alone a commitment, unless one wants to volunteer one. If pressed, you need only say, “It sounds lovely, but I can’t plan that far in advance” – perhaps not adding how impressed you are that someone with toddlers can book so far in advance.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband will ask me to pass him something, like a towel, for example. He will then say “thank you,” and is offended if I don’t respond with, “IT’S A PLEASURE.”

GENTLE READER: Funny, it doesn’t sound like much of a pleasure.

Miss Manners is reminded of the time a toddler of her acquaintance finally succeeded at toilet training, and her mother said, “Well, thank goodness.” To which the very young lady replied, “My pleasure.”

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.