Miss Manners: Miss Manners comes to middle school

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I teach seventh grade in a suburban school. I have noticed an increasingly unsettling trend as I walk around the room to check on students: Nobody says “yes, please” or “no, thank you” anymore.

I have tried to remind them in many different ways what the polite response is, but it never really seems to stick. Finally, I decided to invoke Miss Manners. I told them all about you and how Miss Manners, who is a real person, would like to remind them the proper way to respond to questions.

Only by taking on the persona of someone else have I seen any success in their responses. What would you say to 12-year-olds to impress upon them how important this is?

GENTLE READER: “Don’t blame me?”

Sorry. The idea of frightening children into basic courtesy scares Miss Manners. But since you say it works, she will try to get over that.

Surely seventh graders are capable of understanding that people need to get along with one another, rather than living in a constant state of alarm, suspecting that others mean us harm. Unfortunately, they have been taught to evaluate online communications with that cynical approach.

But in real life, we have developed a code to indicate that we are not bullies making demands, but rather that we harbor goodwill toward others. “Please” means that, although they are asking for something, compliance would be appreciated. “Thank you” expresses that appreciation.

And now Miss Manners must express her appreciation to you for insisting on teaching a skill that will contribute to those children’s success.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My fiance has a friend who tries to pinch pennies anywhere he can, but who also brags about how much money he makes.

In the past, he has invited us to his house for parties, and he says he’ll be making food (usually lots of pasta and some type of meat). We always bring alcohol, but he always mentions that we should bring some, as if we weren’t going to. The day before the party, or even during it, he asks my fiance to throw him some money, like $20 to $30. I’ve always been under the impression that when someone hosts a party, they shouldn’t expect money since it was their idea.

Because of these behaviors, we have seen this friend less and less lately, and so have others. He has a party coming up that we said we’d go to, but I know he’s going to do the same things.

Am I being dramatic, or is he a bad host?

GENTLE READER: He’s not even a bad host; he’s not a host at all, as he charges admission to his dinner. Miss Manners thinks you might want to consider whether you are getting your money’s worth out of this connection.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it proper for a couple on a date to sit next to each other on the same side of a booth in a restaurant to have dinner? My friend says that it is inappropriate and should never be done.

GENTLE READER: There are a great many things that Miss Manners can think of which couples should not do in restaurants. But sitting side by side is not one of them.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.