Bottom Lines Columnist Jim Kershner’s Take On The News
About 130 years too late
True item: The Mississippi Senate voted last week to abolish slavery. Next week, it will take up the issue of allowing womenfolk to vote.
He had another crisis on his mind
O.J. Simpson expressed hardly any curiosity when police first told him about the murders. He was preoccupied with another matter: He had misplaced a glove and couldn’t find it anywhere.
Preying on defenseless New York rats
Did you see where two coyotes were shot in the Bronx recently? Police said it was just another example of gangs moving in from California.
You can’t run a government on soda pop
Gov. Lowry admitted that he might once have had a drinking problem. Big deal. So does Boris Yeltsin, and he runs the biggest darn country in the world.
You won’t see Yeltsin tangling with them
Speaking of Yeltsin, he compared the Chechnya government to the Medellin cartel. The only difference is the Medellin cartel can actually defend itself. It has a bigger army.
If only every problem was so easy to solve
Some helpful state senators want to revise the wording of marriage licenses to specify that each partner should be “free from violence and abuse.” Sure, that’ll help. Next, we can end all child abuse by printing the words, “Not to be beaten” on every birth certificate.
It was such a romantic wedding
Why stop with marriage licenses? We can revise the marriage vows, too: “Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part, except of course if he keeps coming home drunk and whacking you around and acting like a complete stupid jackass, in which case you should call the cops and get a good lawyer. What? Was that an `I do’?”
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