The Cook’s Crew Today, We Pay Tribute To The Humble Helpers Of Kitchen Magicians

Cooks aren’t the only ones who contribute to meal preparation.

But you never hear about the important roles played by other members of the household. In the hidebound food world, the selfless acts of these unsung heroes of the culinary arts have been ignored.

Until now.

So how do you help whip up dinner without ever stirring a sauce or tossing in a little more garlic?

Let’s count the ways:

1. Grocery shopping: Lots of noncooks go to the store. Everybody knows that. But have you ever really considered the possibility that this might in fact be the single most trying step in meal preparation?

Think about it. There you are, courageously trying to decipher the hieroglyphics on a list you didn’t write. The guy in a Husky hat in front of you is totally blocking the aisle by turning his cart sideways. Some kid behind you is sneezing fudgesicle juice on your leg. And never far from your thoughts is the grim certainty that failing to get the right kind of almond extract will mean having to come back to the store and go through it again.

That’s not all. A lot of cooks make a big deal about how much pressure they are under to get everything to come out right and at the same time, blah, blah, blah. But if you want to talk about being under the gun, just try defending the purchase of so-so produce.

It has been said that it is easier to get away with “The check’s in the mail” or “I was working late at the office” than it is to present nonperky lettuce and say, “It’s the best they had.”

Being able to report that you tried more than one store helps. But some cooks just won’t buy any excuse. They don’t want to hear about flooding in California. They don’t want to hear about outrageous prices for green peppers. They just want fruits and vegetables so fresh they’re begging to be slapped.

2. Ideas: How do you respond when the cook asks, “What do you want for dinner?”

If you say, “Let’s have that killer chicken Caesar salad you do,” you’re helping.

If you say, “I dunno, something on a plate maybe,” you’re not.

3. Emergency grocery shopping: So there you are, feet up on the couch, TV remote in hand. Dinner is being readied. Life is good.

Then, from the kitchen, you hear a desperate cry: “Oh no, we’re out of cilantro!”

The experienced noncook knows this is the signal to slip on the sneakers and grab the car keys.

Sometimes the cook will personally make the mad dash to the store. But usually the time-honored “I have to watch these pots” makes it quite clear who will get the honor.

4. Opening stuck lids: Failure is not an option.

5. Commenting on inviting aromas: This might not sound like a big deal. But you would be amazed at how crucial this is to maintaining the balance of a cook’s fragile psyche.

Want to produce a smile? Say, “Boy, that smells great.”

6. Compassion: Some cooks have a habit of accidentally touching hot pans or oven racks so often that the kitchen can sound like the interrogation room in a Turkish prison. But the thoughtful noncook knows he or she can help by hitting the mute button and yelling, “You all right?”

7. Heavy lifting: Nobody’s trying to insinuate anything here. But have you ever noticed how many seemingly strong and sturdy cooks claim to have bad backs when it’s time to lift a leaden roast out of an oven that’s hotter than a spaceship’s heat shield during re-entry?

8. Tasting the meal-in-progress: Good cooks appreciate objective feedback. This is especially true if we agree to define objective feedback as “the facial-expression equivalent of a standing ovation.”

All cooks savor praise. Still, they don’t always trust noncooks’ opinions.

“Do you think it needs salt?”

“No. It’s perfect.”

“You sure?”

“Absolutely.”

“I think I’ll add a little salt.”

9. Staying out of the way: It’s crucial to give the culinary maestro plenty of elbow room. So considerate noncooks will wait till the cook leaves the kitchen for a moment before racing in to grab another beer from the fridge.

And only the most cynical of you will suspect that there is a connection between that and trying to dodge such inscrutable questions as, “Would you like to chop some onions?”

10. Eating: The ultimate compliment.

But just chowing down with gusto isn’t enough. The savvy noncook knows to grin and say one of the following four things:

“Mmmmm, that’s really interesting … what did you do differently this time?”

“Boy, this would be expensive if we were having it in a restaurant - but it would be worth whatever we paid for it.”

“That recipe is a keeper.”

“Great. Just great. Really great. You know, this dinner is so great.”

Sensitive noncooks never say:

“What is it?”

“What went wrong?”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Did you take it out too soon?”

“Did you forget to put something in this?”

“Uh, let’s not have this again.”

“Boy, that just goes to show you. Here, I’d always thought you couldn’t go wrong with fajitas.”

“I must have a sinus infection or something.”

11. Cleaning up: Helping out is a major deal. OK, this isn’t technically a part of meal preparation. But it contributes to the cook’s ongoing chances of enjoying mental health. And that has direct implications for tomorrow’s dinner.

You see, cooking is more than juggling pans and sprinkling spices. It’s teamwork. Which brings us to …

12. Ordering pizza: Sometimes the noncook’s best move is to propose a Plan B.

Don’t wait for your favorite cook to make a troubling, “Species”-like transformation. Look for the early warning signs of mood meltdown:

1. The cook has been staring into a condiments cupboard for 20 minutes, muttering various hostile oaths.

2. An innocent query about dinner’s ETA is met with a baleful glare and a white-knuckles grip on a sharp object.

3. Hurled flatware.

So if you are a noncook, remember. You aren’t helpless. You can dial a phone. Even better, you can get in the car and go fetch some take-out.

Hey, it’s the least you can do.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by A. Heitner