There Are Ways To Reconcile With Dad

There are few tasks more difficult than trying to reconcile with a parent.

Unless, of course, the parent is dead. That’s when reconciliation is truly hard.

In terms of men trying to mend bridges with their deceased fathers, Jerrold Lee Shapiro, in his book “The Measure of a Man: Becoming the Father You Wish Your Father Had Been,” offers the following guidelines:

Find out as much about his life and motivations as possible. Your relatives, old neighbors or former co-workers of your father may all be excellent sources of information. Old photos, family stories or the family Bible might also be rich sources of information.

Imagine that he is alive and present. What would you like to say to him? What would you like to learn from him?

Tell your image of your father what hurts you have, what angers and what sadnesses about him.

Write down a list of traits you have that reflect his positive and negative traits. What was your inheritance in skills, appearance, habits and relationships?

Make a list of what you would like from him now if he could or would give them to you.

Think of some ways that you could give those things to yourself or get them from others.

Consider getting help from a professional. An experienced older male therapist might be particularly helpful in evoking, and helping you with, those important feelings and perceptions.

Make forgiveness your long-term goal. It is not appropriate or possible to intentionally forget what has occurred in the past. It is important for your ability to rise above the hurts of your past that ultimately you let go of a need to change your father.

If possible, try to forgive him for his inadequacies. And fully examine your own life without passing the negatives on to your children.

Above all, Shapiro adds, remember that the task of reconciliation, while difficult, can be completed. He says: “Many men have succeeded before you.”

, DataTimes