Some Reds In The Pink, Others Are A Little Green

A few friends and I were sitting around the other evening, sampling some domestic reds.

We were bewitched by their bold bouquets, seduced by the spicy notes in their noses, amused by their plump impertinence …

Hey, wait a minute. Those are wine words. We were tasting beer - specifically, an assortment of the “red” beers so popular these days among mass-market brewers.

My companions consisted of Jim, Jeff and Walter, dedicated drinkers all but a definite cut below the snob set.

We worked our way through Red Wolf and Elk Mountain Red from Anheuser-Busch, George Killian’s Irish Red from Coors, Boar’s Head Red from Henry Weinhard, Rainier’s Yakima Red and Labatt’s Elephant Red, rating them on a scale from one through five.

Between brews, we cleansed our palates with animal crackers and sips of Miller’s misleadingly named, light golden Red Dog (like they say, “The dog’s red, the beer isn’t.”)

Here are the results:

Weinhard’s Boar’s Head Red

Average rating: 3.8

Jeff: “Definitely more body … sweet, a taste of honey.”

Jim: “More hops, too … it tastes like it’s right out of the tap at a microbrewery.”

Walter: “The Dr. Pepper of beers, I think. I want almonds with this.”

Elk Mountain Red

Average rating: 3.3

Jeff: “It has more pop to it, like a real beer.”

Jim: “A nice, creamy head.”

Walter: “This is the kind of aftertaste you don’t mind after two or three beers, but after eight or nine, you just hate it.”

George Killian’s Irish Red

Average rating: 2.7

Jeff: “It’s pretty smooth, almost like an apple cider.”

Walter: “It’s pretty inoffensive - definitely lighter, sweeter, fruitier.”

Jim: “It’s more carbonated … it’s got to be Killian’s.”

Red Wolf

Average rating: 2.3

Jim: “It tastes like strong alcohol to me.”

Walter: “This would be a good fishing beer. Your buddies might think, ‘Hey, he spent a few bucks.”’

Jeff: “It dies really quick … no one would have to quit after two.”

Elephant Red Average rating: 1.8

Jim: “It tastes skunky, just plain sour.”

Jeff: “This is the kind of beer that gives me a headache.”

Walter: “It would be a good four-in-the-morning college beer.”

Yakima Red Average rating: 1.0

Jim: “It’s almost brown instead of red … unbelievably fizzy … I hate this - it’s sour.”

Jeff: “It’s not very smooth.”

Walter: “Red Dog tastes good after this.”

Root seller

Blitz-Weinhard has another winner that you can indulge in with a clear conscience.

Henry Weinhard’s Root Beer, now available in bottles throughout the area, is based on a recipe that dates back to the Portland brewery’s Prohibition days (“back to our roots,” declares the cap).

It’s rich and smooth, with pronounced flavors from the vanilla and honey listed on the label. A dandy drink indeed, with or without almonds.

Sound bite

That familiar voice in Miller’s Red Dog commercials, featuring an English bulldog who runs roughshod over more domesticated mutts, belongs to no-nonsense actor Tommy Lee Jones.

A Miller spokesman told Entertainment Weekly that Jones “has exactly the attitude we need to convey. He has a strong voice. At the same time, it’s very approachable. And he’s equally effective for men and women.”

For the boyz

And in the “Clearmalt” category, Coors is making a move to attract more male consumers with its Zima Gold, which debuts in bars and restaurants this week and should hit store shelves by mid-May.

The new Zima reportedly tastes a bit bourbony compared to the gin-and-tonic tones of its completely clear cousin. According to a Coors spokeswoman, it will be positioned as “something bold, rugged, rough around the edges.” Sort of like an ungroomed golden retriever, perhaps?

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