Bottom Lines Columnist Jim Kershner’s Take On The News

First, a word from the Constitution

To lead off today’s all-militia edition of Bottom Lines, I would like to quote these revered words from the U.S. Constitution: “The right to a well-regulated militia, consisting of wackos, losers and goofballs in camouflage, shall not be infringed.”

That’s not the militia they had in mind

I made that up, of course. The Founding Fathers were thinking more of a National Guard kind of militia, as opposed to an Abbott-and-Costello kind of militia.

Could paranoia be a factor?

Are the militia people paranoid? I don’t think so. Personally, I think it’s entirely plausible that troops from Belgium are infiltrating the U.S. as part of a worldwide U.N. conspiracy to force us to eat overly thick waffles.

The attack of the black helicopters

These U.N. invaders have a fiendishly clever invasion plan, which consists of flying around in black helicopters and scaring hell out of assorted campers and pot-growers. Thank God Saddam Hussein didn’t think of this strategy when he tried to take Kuwait.

Not in my buttock, you don’t

They also believe that the One World Government has a sinister plan to implant microchips in our red-blooded American buttocks. Then they can control our every movement from their headquarters in Antwerp.

I’m with them on this issue

A lot of militia members don’t believe in paying taxes, on the principle that the federal government lacks authority to collect taxes. That sounds so much more noble than the principle of being anti-social and cheap.

Hint: They’re running around in the woods

The militias seem to have settled on the federal government as the biggest threat to the American way of life. All I can say is, the militias have certainly helped me understand who is the biggest threat to the American way of life.

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