The Hot Seat A Weekly Look At People In The News

Is it the FBI or the fib?

All you baby boomers close your eyes and listen to these words: “I see nuthink! I hear nuthink! I know nuthink!” No, it’s not Sgt. Schultz from the old “Hogan’s Heroes” television show. It’s the testimony of FBI officials in the Ruby Ridge hearings. That’s right. When questioned by Col. Klink, er, Arlen Specter, FBI agents claimed they “knew nuthink” about crucial parts of the case. That explains a lot.

In the interest of fairness, LET’S Party

God bless the Republicans, they can’t get a break. Just when they were rolling - backstabbing and cannibalizing each other - along comes Ross Perot with his own political party. Experts think he’ll split the conservative vote, benefiting President Clinton. We’re here to help. We’re forming our own party. It’s called the Liberal Elite Taxspenders Society, also known as the LET’S Party. We’re for big government and lots more spending on social programs. Our goal is to split the Democratic vote and level the playing the field for both sides. So if you really want to help the conservatives win the presidency, send campaign contributions to LET’S Party, c/o The Hot Seat.

Let’s hope the Seahawks don’t go to the Superbowl

After 19 years of bad baseball, the elegant, standoffish electorate in Seattle decided to end it all. In their usual manner, they looked down their noses at the ballot and decided that keeping the Mariners in town wasn’t worth another dime’s tax on 10 bucks worth of espresso. But wait! The Mariners have turned into the most exciting team in baseball and have captured the imagination of sports fans around the nation. Now, people around the country are calling Spokane and instead of asking if it rains a lot here, they’re asking if we’re the rubes who let the big one get away.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: The Hot Seat is an irreverent look at controversial issues in the news. The views expressed are those of the writer. Today’s Hot Seat was written by Scott Sines.