Go Somewhere And Talk It Out

Dear Ann Landers: I am 32, petite and in good shape. My husband is 43 and very good-looking. We’ve been told often that we are an attractive couple. “Doug” and I married when I was 17. He was 28. We have three great teenagers.

My husband is a self-employed plumber. This makes his schedule quite flexible, and I never know exactly where he is or when he’ll be home. A few weeks ago, I answered Doug’s business phone, and a young man asked if I was the owner’s wife. When I said, “Yes,” the man proceeded to tell me that Doug had been flirting with his wife when he came to fix the plumbing. Doug even gave the woman his business card on which he had written “Coffee anytime.” He mailed it to me.

I paged Doug, called him a few choice names and told him not to bother coming home. When he walked in the door at 8:30 p.m., the first thing he said was, “I’ll give you one chance to apologize.” I couldn’t believe it. I told him to get lost and went upstairs to bed. When he joined me later, I tried to tell him how I felt, but he said he was too tired and I should have discussed it when he got home. He said my jealousy was stupid and I’d better get over it.

Ann, I’m not sure what normal behavior is for a married man. For example, we have cable channels in our bedroom and often watch TV together. I usually fall asleep in Doug’s arms. Often I wake up about an hour later and find Doug watching something X-rated. I wouldn’t mind if he watched this stuff with me, but I don’t want him to watch it alone.

Doug is the only man I’ve ever been with, and I was so young when I married that I’m not sure I’m on solid ground. I’ve discussed this with my girlfriends, and this is not happening to them. I need advice. - Insecure Sue

Dear Sue: Trying to get cozy while fixing the plumbing is pretty tacky. Tell Doug you will not tolerate his kanoodling with customers. I recommend a weekend away from the kids so the two of you can do some good talking and make a fresh start. If that doesn’t help, a visit to a marriage counselor would be a good idea.

Dear Ann Landers: I’m responding to “Dilemma in Delaware,” who was unwilling to donate a kidney to her sister because she didn’t approve of her sister’s lifestyle. She bitterly resented being put in that position.

My sister, “Patti,” also lived in the fast lane as a young adult, and her excesses caused my family a lot of pain. She and I were like oil and water. We did not get along, and I didn’t wish her to be a part of my life.

Last year, Patti was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. Her only chance for survival was a bone marrow transplant. Guess who was the only “perfect match”?

Like “Dilemma,” I, too, fought against getting involved, and for the very same reasons. Still, no matter what kind of life Patti had led, we were sisters. If I had the ability to possibly save her life, I had to do it.

My sister died last January with her family around her, knowing, probably for the first time in her life, that we truly loved her.

“Dilemma” has a rare opportunity to make peace with her sister, and it will make living with herself a lot easier. I hope she takes it. - Duxbury, Mass.

Dear Duxbury: So do I.

Gem of the Day: A consultant is a man who knows 40 ways to make love but doesn’t know any women.