Rodman’s Not Made For TV, Or Hoops, Either

Caught the Dennis Rodman TV show the other night. Edgy. Goofy. Sleazy. Embarrassing. You know, like Rodman plays basketball.

I understand it ended in a cake fight. I couldn’t take it that long.

It was like dropping in on a stag mixer where everyone has a 2-hour head start. You either catch up in a hurry or find the door. One thing you don’t do is put it on television.

You don’t show this stuff even in places where you have to pay for it a quarter at a time.

I lasted until Jay Leno started making fun of Rodman’s diction. Or was it when Rodman made a lewd suggestion to Leno? Maybe when Rodman handcuffed himself.

Leno stayed, I guess. He is in town doing his show this week. I suppose he will get around to the symphony and deep-dish pizza. Starting with Rodman is like inspecting the septic tank before the library.

I would like to say Rodman is not Chicago, except that the crowd seemed to cheer at each of Rodman’s bellows as if it were wisdom, vulgar wisdom, but shared and appreciated, like it used to be with Mike Ditka.

I miss Ditka’s restraint.

Rodman was unintelligible, a condition not necessarily blamed on happy serum, because even at rest, Rodman makes no sense.

Yet I managed to gather that Rodman was virtuously free of guilt about being tossed from Sunday’s game, the only thing he did all day that ought to be of interest to anyone else. He blamed everyone but himself and called Alonzo Mourning “an abysmal individual.”

Wow, that was impressive, that Rodman could string those complicated syllables together so late in the evening, never mind that the idea of Rodman calling anyone else abysmal is presumption on the 10-meter platform, gall on stilts. Still, that doesn’t make him wrong.

Rodman didn’t practice Monday. The story is the NBA is reviewing the tape of Rodman’s forearm salute as he left the floor Sunday. A handy excuse. I’ll have to use it the next time I wake up with a bad head.

Whatever the NBA sees is nothing compared with the tape 3 hours later. I know that what Rodman does in his free time is his business, if only he would keep it that way.

“I’m not completely comfortable with Dennis’ mental status,” Bulls coach Phil Jackson said. Jackson spoke Monday with Rodman. There is no evidence that Rodman listened.

It is a strange thing, this commercialization of Rodman, because his whole posture is anti-group, non-mainstream.

Who is Rodman being sold to, non-consumers? Anyone who could buy anything that is associated with Rodman should have better taste.

Most insidious of all of Rodman’s gestures is the work-jersey-to-the-kid bit. Parents spend hours warning children not to touch things because you don’t know where they have been, yet they beg and connive to get Rodman’s shirt, and they can see where it has been, never mind endorsing Rodman as an example for their kids.

I switch channels and I’m looking at Rodman confessing in a cable interview that he will not be insulted with $4 million a year. He will retire first. He will get $7 million to $10 million for each of the next two years from the Bulls or go elsewhere.

This is a handy thing to know because absolutely and without dispute, Rodman is not worth it. Let him go.

This is not about the money, certainly not about my money. It is about associating with and certifying Rodman’s deviance. Fifteen rebounds a game ought not to be that hard to come by, and without the tattoos and uncertainty.

Rodman has not yet become necessary to the Bulls. He does not become necessary until Horace Grant and Shaquille O’Neal show up, Shawn Kemp or David Robinson. If he is still around, we’ll have an idea of Rodman’s practical worth.

All that’s known now is that Rodman is deluded and pitiable, should anyone care to waste the time.