Let ‘Tolerance’ Be Your Byword

Dear Miss Manners: I am 12 and 3/4 years old and am faced with the problem of replying to the rather stupid observations “You’ve grown so tall!” and “The last time I saw you, you were this tall” (the latter accompanied by an absurd gesture). Why do adults do this? And what is the proper response? It seems ridiculous to say “Thank you,” because I cannot help but grow.

P.S. What is the proper closing for a letter? I’m sure “yours” can’t be right.

Gentle Reader: The proper response is, “You haven’t changed a bit!”

Miss Manners does not need to direct your attention to the fact that this remark, which adults are in the habit of making to one another, is an even more stupid observation than the ones to which children are subjected. Those are at least factually true, if stunningly obvious.

But that’s the way conventional remarks are. Like the closings of letters (“Sincerely yours” for nonpassionate social correspondence, “Yours truly” for business) they are intended to convey good will, rather than information. So the basic answer about how to respond is: tolerantly.

Dear Miss Manners: I arrived at my fiancee’s office Christmas party after the festivities had started, and my fiancee was dancing and having a good time with a fellow male employee. After the dance, she noticed me and started to advance in my direction, but was interrupted by the same or another male employee to dance again.

She never acknowledged me until several dances afterwards. By this time, I felt that I would like to leave, as I did not know anyone there and felt out of place. She never introduced me to her superiors and bosses or anyone else.

Later, she mentioned that she has to work and cooperate with this group, although she is a secretary and not employed by these fellow workers. Maybe so, but I still believe one has to live a lifetime with one’s future husband, who is more important - or at the very least, deserves some respect.

If the situation had been reversed, she would have been upset. Maybe the situation is one reason why so many marriages end in divorce.

Gentle Reader: This engagement doesn’t sound too solid, either. But if you will permit Miss Manners an attempt to save it, she may be able to save both of you future unpleasantness.

“You didn’t pay any attention to me” is indeed a common marital battle cry, but then so is “You didn’t give me a chance to talk to anyone.” What follows is never pretty.

So let us first put aside any speculation about whether your fiancee has cooled toward you, is ashamed of you in front of others, is more interested in her male co-workers than you, and so on. Miss Manners knows that your mind is racing along those lines, but if you have other reasons to suppose that any such thing is the case, you surely would have mentioned it. Then your only etiquette problem in regard to your fiancee would be how to tell her the engagement is over.

It is possible that the lady simply has not yet learned how to behave socially as part of a couple. This is not as obvious as you may think. While it is true that it was rude to ignore you, it would also have been rude to ignore other guests because you were there.

The correct thing to do would have been to have brought her dance partner to you and introduced you to him and others there until you had done your part by striking up a conversation. Miss Manners suggests that you explain the problem cheerfully and look for an opportunity to demonstrate it at a gathering where you are known and your fiancee is not.

If the lady claims a right to be upset then, but dismisses your being upset, Miss Manners will concede that your engagement might not be worth saving.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate